I’m a 34-year-old woman in a two-year relationship with a guy. I’ve never been the jealous type. Yet, I do feel oddly possessive and jealous in this relationship, especially lately. My friends say this is a sign I need to “work on” myself. Really? If so, how? What do I need to do? -- Worried
“Hey, where’s the boyfriend?” your friend asks as she plops down on the couch next to you. You look at your phone: “Well, according to my tracking device, he’s at the end of Main, turning right onto Slauson.”
Jealousy gets a bad rap. Sure, it’s sometimes a sign that your self-worth is in the toilet. But it can also be a sign that your boyfriend has been sneaking off to the toilet at work with his boss’s busty assistant.
Evolutionary psychologist David Buss notes that sexual jealousy appears to be one of the “mate guarding adaptations” that evolved over human history -- a sort of police dog of emotions to protect us from being cheated on. Buss observes that sexual jealousy is activated by “threats to mate retention,” including “the presence of mate poachers” (rivals trying to lure your partner away), “cues to infidelity, or even subtle signals that suggest that a partner might be dissatisfied with the current relationship.”
But there are signals, and then there are meaningful signals. A possibly helpful thing to recognize is that we have overprotective defense systems. “Defense expression is often excessive,” observes psychiatrist and evolutionary psychologist Randolph Nesse. This isn’t an accident or a design flaw. It’s evolution saying, “Hey, hon, let’s be on the safe side here.”
Consider the smoke alarm that’s a little oversensitive. This can be annoying when it screams for the hook and ladders whenever the neighbor lights incense next to her tub. But it’s far less annoying than waking up to your toes being crisped by your flaming bedroom rug.
Figure out the source of your feelings so you can address it. Is there something amiss in your psychology that leads you to be overly sensitive -- to see a threat where it doesn’t really exist -- or are you sensing some meaningful danger to your relationship? It’s one thing to follow the person you love with your eyes as he walks off; it’s another thing entirely to do it with a pair of high-powered binoculars and a bug sewn into his laptop bag.
