It’s time to take the governor at his
word and run state government as a business. As always, a
nationwide search has been initiated to produce a blue-ribbon committee to establish the
course of action.
The governor’s last nationwide search,
as you may recall, found an Elvis impersonator and Megan Harlow,
ex-showgirl trophy wife of a $50,000 campaign contributor, to be
Blue Ribbon Salt Dome Committee people. This latest search found
four retirees having morning coffee at Bob & Ray’s
Café to serve as members of the Blue Ribbon $$$ Committee.
Yanks Avatar, retired computer
programmer and a code master, ruled by pure logic. In other words,
Yanks has no social skills whatsoever. I think you’ll agree
that a man who is not subject to the concerns of human sensitivity
is a real plus in the development of a true business model.
E.Z. Randolph, retired owner of EZ
Loans. He buys a new Cadillac each year — if that
doesn’t prove that he knows business, I don’t know what
does.
James “the Colonel”
Blackwell, retired from the U.S. Army. The Colonel is still
secretive about his military service, meaning he was either an Army
lawyer or an assassin. His fellow committee members would like to
believe that he was an assassin, because the alternative is too
frightening to contemplate.
“Dollar” Bill Mathews,
retired car salesman and winner of the coveted Salesperson of the
Decade award for selling a 10-year-old Buick with a cracked engine
block to the Make-A-Wish Foundation for $46,859 (rust-proofing $1,008 extra).
No more hardcore business acumen was ever
assembled — blue-ribbon material all!
Topic 1. The Legislative Branch.
Yanks spoke first because he does not
understand that discussions need to include input from those who
are not him.
“There’s no business reason, or fair representation reason
for that matter, to have a bicameral system,” Yanks declared.
“A unicameral system is not only more business efficient
— it’s also considerably less expensive. A no-brainer!
Eliminate the state Senate!”
The Colonel: Explain it to these other two dolts.
Yanks: Unproductive use of time. No need to
explain it — it’s obvious.
The Colonel: Explain it — or I’ll kill you!
Yanks: Good point. From a business standpoint,
it’s a simple matter of eliminating redundant functions.
It’d be like having two completely autonomous bookkeepers at
EZ Loans.
The Colonel: Explain the ‘fair
representation’ part.
Yanks: Unnecessary — it’s obvious.
The Colonel: . . . or I’ll kill . . .
Yanks: Point well taken. Two houses exist in
the federal system because of the Great Compromise, the
Constitutional Convention of 1787. Individual citizen
representation was not the reason for the two houses —
politics, pure and simple, caused the aberration. Senators, especially at the state level, are an unnecessary
expansion of geographical representation already accommodated at a more
personal geographic level, a House of Representatives.
Dollar Bill: Huh?
Yanks: Idiot.
The Colonel: Give us an example, or I’ll. . .
Yanks: Excellent point! Think in terms of city
aldermen: You have one alderman per geographic area — a ward.
What purpose, then, to combine two or three wards or parts thereof,
make another district, and elect another person in a completely
different organizational body to represent you? You’re
already represented geographically. And because both bodies must
independently agree on action, it’d take two years to get the
pothole fixed instead of six months.
E.Z.: But we need senators — won’t
work without ’em.
Yanks: Why? And it already does work. It works
in Nebraska, Canadian provinces, Denmark, Iceland, Norway, Sweden,
and New Zealand. Even Britain has only one ‘working’
legislative body, the House of Commons. Their House of Lords is
ceremonial.
The vote: Four-zip.
The Illinois Senate is gone. Savings: $250 million. The Senate
chamber will become a food court with a yearly profit of
$2,000,134. Senate offices will become self-storage rental units.
Yearly profit: $1,500,666. That’s more than a quarter-billion
bucks gained before the second cup of joe.
Topic 2. Other Elected Offices.
No discussion necessary. By a vote of 4-0, the
lieutenant governor stays but is only paid when called to work. And
the treasurer or the comptroller goes — flip a coin. Savings:
$28 million and change.
Topic 3. The Executive Branch and
State-Agency Operations. These specifics
are on the table for tomorrow’s session (because E.Z. needs a
nap):
Moving state government from
Springfield or Chicago to cyberspace.
Eliminating all state-government
employees and positions having anything to do with constructing a
mission statement.
Basing the governor’s salary on
an objective measure. Because it is the “business
objective” of state government to break exactly even each
year (no borrowing), any deviation comes out of the
governor’s personal pocket.
Renegotiating employee benefits. The
Colonel will head up negotiations: He’ll be fair, but
there’s no need for state employees to plan any activities
for those three personal days a year.
Handling sick-time abuse. The Colonel proposes
handling such cases one-on-one. As the Colonel often says,
“They didn’t give us sick days during the war!”
Expanding the committee to include
Megan Harlow.
This article appears in Sep 1-7, 2005.
