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The story: A $100,000-a-year state boss, with many
Social Security numbers and youthful misdemeanors, tried to force her
$70,000-a-year “chauffeur” to sleep with her. It could be true
— or not. Either way, the confused woman should be cut some slack,
because the situation was not covered in the state’s ethics test. How
was she to know ethical from unethical? Legislators are appalled and outraged — because
they are stewards of the taxpayers’ money and because you can’t
buy a decent hooker for the $50 a day they get for lunch.
Appalling! Outrageous! When I was a state worker, years ago, my pal Tony and
I bet a lunch on who could finish the ethics test faster. Tony won, three
minutes to my four, only because I forgot who owned the Statehouse at the
time and consequently struggled with the question “Are Republicans: (a) serial
killers or (b) pedophiles?”
The test was too general — it needed to
specifically relate to “employee organizational level.” I
believe the much-maligned state official with the “chauffeur”
in question would have known her right from her wrong had the questions
been more suitable. A new test follows. As with all government tests, you
are limited to the answers supplied, because your opinions don’t
count.
Section A: Political Appointees
1. Does the “Do me or you’re fired
rule” apply equally to men and women? (a) Yes. (b) No.
2. Can you force your chauffeur to provide more
“variety,” even if he stipulated “missionary position
only” on his job application? (a) Yes. (b) No.
3. What is the proper “employee
evaluation” if your chauffeur brings “less” to the job
than he promised? (a) Employee does not
meet expectations. (b) You’re fired! (c) You gotta be kidding me!
4. If your chauffeur is on vacation and you’re
really “tense,” can you force a state carpenter to have sex
with you (because, after all, “carpenter” is spelled something
like “chauffeur,” ain’t it)? (a) Yes. (b) No.
5. When you call an “8 a.m. sharp emergency
meeting,” what time should you go to the meeting? (a) 10 a.m. (b) 11 a.m. (c) After The Jerry
Springer Show ends.
Section B: Midlevel Managers and Other Merit-Comp
Employees
1. How late should you work after hours to make up for
the six hours you lost waiting for the political-appointee boss to arrive
at the “8 a.m. sharp emergency meeting”? (a) 7 p.m. (b) 10 p.m. (c) Until tomorrow’s “8 a.m. sharp
emergency meeting”
2. How much of the recently promised 7 percent
year-end bonus for good work will you actually get? (a) Less than 1 percent. (b) Nothing (all of the money will be used to
increase chauffeur pay, because they will not always have sex for a paltry
$70,000, and who can blame ’em?).
Section C: Lower-Level Workers Protected by Political
Sponsors
1. How many sick days a year should you use as
vacation days? (a) Eight (b) 10 (c) All of ’em
2. How many office supplies can you steal each year? (a) $152 worth (b) $176 worth (c) All of ’em
3. If you come in on Monday and your PC’s clock
is screwed up and says that it’s Sunday, what do you do after you
immediately leave and go home? (a) Go to church (b) Mow the lawn (c) Take a well-deserved nap
4. Are you the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s
child? (a) Yes. (b) Probably — after all, I often go to the
Bahamas over lunch hour.
Section D: Senior Public Administrators Who Are
Actually Chauffeurs
1. Is it appropriate to use a state car to cruise
around the Capitol and make fun of state employees doing real work?
(a)Yes. (b) No.
2. When your only other job option is collecting
aluminum cans, is it proper to use your state car to store some aluminum
cans? Just for practice? In case your boss imposes the “Do me or you’re
fired” rule and you just aren’t up to it — and she fires
you? (a) Yes. (b) Twelve.
3. Are you the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s
child? (a) Yes. (b) Not sure.
Section E: Regular Hardworking Employees
1. Which is correct? (a) I hate this @#$%&! job. (b) A chauffeur who makes $70,000 has every right to
make fun of me while I work. (c) Both (a) and (b).
2. Will Anna Nicole Smith get the promotion you
deserve — even though she’s dead? (a) Yes. (b) Of course.
Section F: The Governor
1. How many correction officers or front-line
mental-heath workers can you hire with a wasted $100,000 salary and a
completely unnecessary $70,000 salary and another $50,000 or so for an
unnecessary car and operating expenses? (a) I don’t have a clue. (b) I don’t have a clue.
2. What the hell is going on? (a) I don’t have a clue. (b) I don’t have a clue.
End of test.
Contact Doug Bybee Sr. at
dougbybee@sbcglobal.net.
This article appears in Mar 1-7, 2007.
