From: Tommy Vietor, press secretary
To: Rich Miller Subject: Obama press release U.S. Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., today
released the following statement about U.S. Transportation
Secretary Norman Mineta’s pledge to provide $337 million in
federal funds for expansion at O’Hare International Airport: “This funding is an important first
step in the O’Hare modernization process which ultimately
will make our nation’s aviation system safer and more
efficient.”
From: Rich Miller To: Tommy Vietor Re: Obama press release Going out on a limb as always, I see.
From: Tommy Vietor To: Rich Miller Re: Obama press release We are also pro-puppy, for the record.
From: Rich Miller To: Tommy Vietor Re: Obama press release
Does that mean he’s anti-kitten?
From: Tommy Vietor To: Rich Miller Re: Obama press release No comment!
From: Rich Miller To: Tommy Vietor WASHINGTON, D.C. — A top aide to U.S.
Sen. Barack Obama refused to confirm or deny today that the popular
freshman legislator despises kittens. “No comment!” said Obama press
spokesman Tommy Vietor when asked about rumors that the affable
senator harbors an intense but secret hatred of the fluffy cuties.
Vietor would only say that Obama is
“pro-puppy.”
A spokesperson for the National Association
for the Advancement of Cat Owners decried Obama’s
unwillingness to take a firm stand on the widespread cat-hating
rumors. “That’s just so cowardly,” Tawny Kitaen
said. “If he thinks he’s going to be president one day,
he’s got another think coming.”
A National Organization for Women leader
noted that often when men despise cats they also resent women.
“I think we’ve been given a profound insight into Sen.
Obama’s character,” said NOW national vice president
Feo Hassenmänner.
From: Tommy Vietor To: Rich Miller I believe we need to set a timetable for
kitten withdrawal from Iraq, too.
From: Rich Miller To: Tommy Vietor KISSIMMEE, Fla. — President George W.
Bush today attacked U.S. Sen. Barack Obama for suggesting that he
set a timetable for withdrawing kittens from Iraq. “As long as I’m president,
kitties will be able to freely roam that country under our
protection,” Bush said. Obama has been enmeshed in controversy since
a spokesperson refused to deny rumors that he is a cat-hater. Vice President Dick Cheney released a
statement this morning from his undisclosed bunker, charging that
Obama was “supporting the terrorists,” with his
“irresponsible” call to withdraw kittens from the
war-torn nation. The Drudge
Report added more fuel to the
fire this afternoon when it ran a huge headline decrying Obama as a
“LIBERAL HYPOCRITE BIGOT” because his children own two
toy cats purchased at Wal-Mart and made in China. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist has
announced that his chamber will conduct a bipartisan ethics inquiry
of Obama, despite the fact that no ethics rules appear to have been
violated and no Democrats will be allowed on the committee.
Washington Post editor
Bob Woodward and former New York Times reporter Judith Miller are expected to speak on
behalf of the Bush administration during CNN’s Larry King Live program
later tonight. One thing is certain, say wealthy Democratic
insiders who never have kind words for Democrats: Obama must get in
front of this story before his once-bright future is ruined.
From: Rich Miller To: Tommy Vietor Tonight, on 60
Minutes . . . (tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick) . . . Tommy Vietor had it all — the finest
Kmart suits, a cold-water flat in the tony southeast corner of the
nation’s capital, a vintage 1978 Plymouth Fury, and a
16-hour-a-day job as press secretary to U.S. Sen. Barack Obama. But the high life ended last year when Vietor
revealed that his boss hated kittens. A horrified nation watched as
Obama was forced to resign from the Senate in disgrace. 60 Minutes recently found Vietor working at this tuna-processing plant in
rural Maine, where, ironically, dozens of cats — the animal
that got Obama into so much trouble — now follow him home
every night . . . (tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick).
Don’t think that it couldn’t
happen.
This article appears in Dec 1-7, 2005.
