When people find out I’m a film critic, the common response is, “Wow! That must be a fun job.” For the most part it is, but there are other times while sitting in the dark that it feels as if the will to live is being sucked from my body. Below is a list of 12 films that made me feel that way during 2009, representing 1,270 wasted minutes of my life that I’ll never get back.
1. Old Dogs – John Travolta and Robin Williams show they have no shame starring in this tepid comedy about two middle-aged buddies who find themselves caring for a pair of scamps. The star’s large paychecks must have been a balm for any embarrassment they might have felt over this exercise in futility.
2. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen – I don’t think Shakespeare had this film in mind when he coined the phrase “sound and fury signifying nothing,” but a more apt sentiment can’t be found regarding Michael Bay’s juggernaut that induced more headaches than sense. As a courtesy, aspirin should have been provided with every ticket.
3. Terminator Salvation – Christian Bale continues to snarl through his roles here as John Connor while director Mc G befouls this once-proud franchise with a nonsensical entry in this futuristic saga about a war between machines and man. Thrilling? Nope. Stupid? Without question.
4. Obsessed – Beyoncé Knowles shows in this Fatal Attraction knockoff that she should stick to singing. Just how wooden is she here? Let’s just say a Louisville Slugger looks expressive next to her.
5. My Sister’s Keeper – Shamelessly setting out to jerk our tears, this drama about a cancer-stricken girl, her sister whose purpose is to donate bone marrow to her and their parents proves to be far more manipulative than moving as it pulls out soap opera conventions at the drop of a hat. Such subjects should not be used in the service of fodder such as this.
6. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra – Everyone’s favorite WW II grunt is turned into an elite terrorist fighting organization in this ear-splitting comic book movie that’s more ridiculous than exciting.
7. All About Steve – Without a doubt, Sandra Bullock had a great year at the box office with the success of The Proposal and The Blind Side. No one seems to remember this clunker that finds the actress as a crossword puzzle author who stalks a news cameraman. While the cast is going for a comedic tone, this just comes off as creepy and unsettling.
8. Bride Wars – Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson star as two friends who find themselves in a fierce rivalry when they realize their weddings are on the same day. Bad enough the premise is full of holes, but the fact that the two lead characters are so boorish you wonder why anyone would want to marry them does this one in.
9. The Last House on the Left – This remake of the 1972 cult classic is a manipulative exercise in role reversal that has us condoning deplorable behavior in the name of justice. Hopefully, this is the torture porn genre’s last gasp.
10. The Ugly Truth – Gamer – Law Abiding Citizen – Did any actor have a worse year than Gerard Butler? Starring in these three stinkers, one a sexist comedy, the other a misguided video game thriller and the last a nonsensical revenge fantasy, Butler pulled off a dubious cinematic hat trick. If the preview for his next film, The Bounty Hunter, is any indication, his losing streak will continue in 2010.
Contact Chuck Koplinski at ckoplinski@usd116.org.
This article appears in Jan 7-13, 2010.
