It only seems like 80 days
Halfway through Around the World in 80 Days, a poor man, locked up for
a petty crime, cries out, “Please, let me go! I’m bored!”
That’s pretty much what I was thinking as I sat in the theater, wondering,
“Are we there yet?”
This Disneyfied version of Jules Verne’s famous adventure tale is missing
all of the elements that could have made it a success. A lack of imagination,
amateurish special effects, and a repetitious plot make for a colossal bore,
written primarily to introduce aging martial-arts star Jackie Chan to a young
audience. Director Frank Coraci takes enormous liberties with Verne’s classic,
excising long passages from the book and adding meaningless vignettes so that
second-rate movie stars can drop in for cameos.
I labored under the apparent misconception that inventor Phileas Fogg (Steve
Coogan), who bets he can make it around the world in 80 days, was the main character
of the story. In this version, it’s his valet, Passepartout (Chan), who is the
heart of the story — kicking, jumping, and climbing his way around the world.
That leaves Coogan with little to do other than look frumpy and act frustrated.
80 Days does have one bright spot, though: French actress Cécile De
France, as Fogg and Passepartout’s traveling companion Monique, proves an utter
delight. She’s worth taking on a trip around the world, but she should have
been spared a ride on this train wreck.
What other critics are saying. . .
The Chronicles of Riddick [PG-13]Vin Diesel returns in the
sequel to his first hit, Pitch Black, as an escaped alien convict who
can see in the dark. The story picks up five years later as Riddick becomes
involved in a galactic war. ShowPlace West, ShowPlace East
The Day After Tomorrow [PG-13] Global warming throws the world into
chaos. “The only truly scary thing about this doomsday popcorn flick is the
monumental ineptitude of the acting, writing and directing.” (Peter Travers,
Rolling Stone) Route 66 Drive In
Garfield [PG] The famous cartoon cat finally comes to the big screen
in a mix of live action and CGI animation. Bill Murray seems the ideal choice
to voice the cat with an attitude. Parkway Pointe, ShowPlace East
The Ladykillers [R] A professor assembles a group of thieves for a
casino heist. After they hole up in a sweet old woman’s home, they find that
she’s the biggest threat to their plans. Tom Hanks stars. “The Coens’ remake
of a comedy classic flounders amid extreme caricatures and strained humor. (Kirk
Honeycutt, Hollywood Reporter)
White Oaks
The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra [PG] In a parody of ’50s-era science fiction
flicks, a dedicated scientist, aided by his clueless wife, tries to save the
world from a radioactive monster.“When such amazing artifacts of genuine
1950s ineptitude as Robot Monster are available on DVD, it’s hard to
imagine why anyone would prefer this ersatz cult readymade…” (John Beifuss,
The Commercial Appeal, Memphis) Route 66 Drive In
Man on Fire [R]A former Marine (Denzel Washington) swears vengeance
on those who committed an unspeakable act against the family he was hired to
protect. “Audiences need to be aware that the violence is intense, but also
very creative.” (Marc Sigoloff, Illinois Times) Parkway Pointe
Mean Girls [PG-13]Cady Heron is a hit with The Plastics, the
A-list girl clique at her new school, until she makes the mistake of falling
for the ex-boyfriend of alpha Plastic. “You gotta love a film that poses the
vital question: ‘Is butter a carb?’ ” (Gregory Weinkauf, New Times newspapers)
Parkway Pointe
Raising Helen [PG-13] After her sister and brother-in-law die in a
car accident, a young woman (Kate Hudson) becomes the guardian of their three
children. “The characters are clichéd, and their predicaments are familiar.”
(Jeff Strickler, Minneapolis Star Tribune) Parkway Pointe
Saved! [PG-13] A girl at a Southern Baptist high school gets pregnant
and becomes an outcast. “Spares us from offending any religious sensibilities
by insulting our intelligence instead.” (Jan Stuart, Newsday) Parkway
Pointe
Shrek 2 [PG] Princess Fiona’s parents invite her and Shrek to dinner
to celebrate her marriage, not realizing that the newlyweds are green ogres.
“Shrek 2 brims with perverse pleasures that show no respect for the rules
of kiddie-cartoon form.” (Peter Travers, Rolling Stone) ShowPlace West,
ShowPlace East
The Stepford Wives [PG-13]Nicole Kidman stars in this remake
of a mediocre 1970s science-fiction thriller about a suburban town whose female
citizens are too perfect and very artificial. Parkway Pointe, ShowPlace East
Troy [R] An adaption of Homer’s epic about the siege of Troy by the
Greeks. Brad Pitt stars as Achilles. Eric Bana is Hector. Orlando Bloom is Paris.
“This is The Iliad as a WWE SmackDown: violent fights, snappy insults
and a connoisseur’s idolatry of beautiful brawn.” (Richard Corliss, Time);
“Troy, besides being tremendously entertaining, is the best crib-sheet
guide to Homer ever.” (Peter Travers, Rolling Stone)
Parkway Pointe
Van Helsing [PG-13] Legendary 19th century monster hunter Dr. Abraham
Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) heads to Eastern Europe to do battle with Count Dracula,
the Wolfman, and Frankenstein. “A noisy, 19th-century fantasy adventure that
goes nowhere.” (Steven Rea, Philadelphia Inquirer) ShowPlace West
This article appears in Jun 10-16, 2004.
