Texas politics has long been a source of great amusement for the people of our
state, but it’s often a source of bafflement for people beyond our borders. So, sometimes
there’s a need to explain what’s going on here, and this is one of those times. In this case, the explanation
is simple: Our governor is a goober.
Texans have known this for some time, but Rick Perry — whose chief claim to fame had been that he has a spectacular head of hair — was unknown outside the state, so he was our little secret. Now, however, Perry’s gooberness has gone viral. He’s a YouTube phenomenon and a new darling of the GOP kingmaker, Rush Limbaugh.
He broke into national consciousness on April 15, when he spoke at one of the
many “teabag” rallies that Republican operatives set up around the country to protest Barack
Obama’s deficit spending. Appearing in Austin before a boisterous crowd of about a
thousand people who were fuming about everything from gun control to the Wall
Street bailout, the governor opened with this shot: “I’m sure you’re not just a bunch of right-wing extremists. But if you are, I’m with you.”
Then came the thought that earned him YouTuber-of-the-Day and a favorable
mention from Lord Limbaugh: Texas just, By God, might secede from the union if
Washington keeps messing with us.
No doubt many people in the other 49 states burst into applause at this notion,
but it caused quite a bit of consternation among home folks, who rather like
being both Texans and Americans. Was he serious? Apparently so. When reporters
asked afterward about the legality of such a rash move, Perry pointed out that
Texas had entered the union under a unique agreement that gave us the right “to leave if we decided to do that.” Good line, but utterly untrue. No such agreement ever existed.
Facts aside, what’s going through Perry’s perfectly coiffed head is that polls presently show him losing his re-election
bid in next year’s Republican primary. Thus, he’s scrambling to excite the most rabid of the Texas GOP fringe by posing as a
courageous defender of Texas sovereignty against meddlers from Washington. His
chief target is $555 million in federal money that would come to our state
under Obama’s economic stimulus program. This is desperately needed money that would go
straight into our nearly broke unemployment compensation fund, but he asserts
that he will reject it, claiming that the federal dollars come with strings
attached.
The “strings” are actually simple and sensible threads of reform that would help the hard-hit
workaday people of our state. For example, the federal stimulus program
requires that part-time workers also be eligible for unemployment comp. In today’s harsh economy, when part-time work is all that many people can get, they ought
to be covered, too. But common sense has never met Perry, much less befriended
him, so he continues to posture: “We think it’s time to draw the line in the sand and tell Washington that no longer are we
going to accept their oppressive hand in the state of Texas,” he recently spewed.
Yes, comandante, but what about that other $16 billion or so in Obama’s stimulus money that you are going accept? For example, while you slap away
funds to help working folks, you’re eagerly reaching out with your other hand to grab $1.2 billion of those
filthy federal dollars to put into your pet project of saddling Texans with a
network of privatized toll roads. If it’s a matter of principle, why not reject all federal money? Indeed, you used to
be a cotton farmer who benefited from Washington’s crop subsidy programs — how oppressive was that for you?
OK, our governor has not quite attained the Blagojevichian level of
gubernatorial gooberness, but he’s a striver, and he’s only one bad haircut away from getting to the top. Illinois, we feel your
pain.
Jim Hightower is a national radio
commentator, columnist and author.
This article appears in Apr 23-29, 2009.
