My girlfriend tells her mother and her friends pretty much everything. Literally four of her friends and her mom were weighing in on her recent urinary tract infection. I just don’t get why she feels the need to let everybody know her business, and it’s the opposite of what I do. I’m very private, and I’d like us to have some things that stay between us – especially stuff that goes on in the bedroom. How would I set boundaries like this? And does this mean that we are ultimately incompatible? – Mr. Uncomfortable
Being compatible with somebody doesn’t mean you’re like them in all ways. I’m an extrovert, which is to say I see a dead car battery as an opportunity to learn about some tow truck driver’s childhood in Guatemala. Contrast that with my introvert boyfriend, who recently turned down an invitation he got to this really cool event, telling me, “I already said hello to somebody this week.”
Beyond individual human differences, there are some male-female differences, like in feelings- and information-sharing. Sex differences researcher Joyce Benenson explains that men evolved to be the physical defenders of the species, and it would have put a man at a deadly disadvantage to show the enemy his emotions – like if he went all scaredypants from fear: “Oh my God, is that the enemy? I’m gonna throw up.”
Women, on the other hand, evolved to build support networks and avoid social exclusion by convincing other women that they aren’t a threat. A woman does this not by hiding her vulnerabilities but by putting her problems and weaknesses on parade – a la “My ladyparts have been declared an EPA cleanup zone!”
In other words, your privacy nightmare – the scrapbooking circle getting together to focus-group your medical issues – is your girlfriend’s emotional comfort zone. But this isn’t necessarily a sign that your relationship is toast. For a relationship to make it, you and your partner don’t have to be the same; you just have to have enough in common and be loving in dealing with each other’s differing weird-ass needs.
If there were such a thing as psychological catnip for humans, it would probably be feeling understood. So, tell your girlfriend that you understand it helps her to hash things out with her mom and the ladypeeps and that you think that’s great. You’re just wired differently. Explain how, and then – sweetly – make your request: You’d feel most comfortable if what happens between you stays between you … given that your idea of openness involves making people sign a 30-page nondisclosure agreement before viewing the heavily encrypted photos – of Steve, your dog.
© 2016, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (advicegoddess.com). Weekly radio show: blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon. Order Amy Alkon’s new book, “Good Manners For Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck” (St. Martin’s Press, June 3, 2014).
This article appears in Jun 30 – Jul 6, 2016.
