Monstrous monster movie deserver an angry mob
Count Dracula (Richard Roxburgh) wants to hatch his unborn
progeny. He thinks that Wolfman’s blood and Frankenstein’s constitution are
key to his plan. Enter Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman), a secret agent for the Vatican
and emissary charged with killing evildoers. Along with his trusty sidekick,
Carl (David Wenham), Van Helsing comes to the aid of the beautiful Anna Valerious
(Kate Beckinsale) in ridding the world of Dracula and his buddies, once and
for all.
That’s what passes for the plot of Van Helsing. But an overabundance
of special effects, chase and action scenes, and an overbearing soundtrack make
this story hard to follow.
Jackman is far too good an actor for this sort of material. Given that there’s
so little for him to sink his acting chops into, he resorts to glowering when
he dispatches his enemies. As for Beckinsale’s performance, it’s akin to watching
an exercise video. She spends much of the film running from one threat after
another. At least, she’s in good shape. The monsters are nothing more than cartoons.
Roxburgh seems to be channeling comedian Martin Short, while Wolfman is reduced
to a hairy, computer-generated pinball, and the Frankenstein monster is a Bible-quoting,
wrestler. These characters deserve more respect — and so does the audience.
Bela Lugosi, Boris Karloff, and Lon Chaney Jr. must be rolling in their graves.
Van Helsing isn’t a movie. It’s an assault on the senses and an insult
to the intelligence of any viewer. This migraine-inducing exercise of excess,
in which the story is kept to a minimum and special effects drive the film,
reduces classic cinema creations into video-game characters, bounding about
in director Stephen Sommers’ adolescent fever dream.
Fans of the original universal monsters are sure to be irate. Personally,
I think it’s time for action. The destination is Sommers’ home. I’ll get out
the torches.
What other critics are saying. . .
Bobby Jones, Stroke of Genius [PG] The life story of Bobby Jones (James
Caviezel), the golf legend who retired from competition at the tender age of
28. “Maybe golf films don’t have to be comedies to succeed, but frankly, we’d
all be better off renting Caddyshack again.” (Connie Ogle, Miami Herald)
Parkway Pointe
Ella Enchanted [PG] Ella is a young woman who was given the “gift”
of obedience by a fairy named Lucinda. After her mother dies, Ella is cared
for by her thoughtless, greedy father who remarries a loathsome woman. A variation
on the Cinderella theme based on Gail Carson Levine’s award-winning novel. Parkway
Pointe
Envy [PG-13] When Nick (Jack Black) becomes filthy rich off of his
ridiculous invention, his best friend Tim (Ben Stiller) turns into his archenemy.
“If you’ve been following the recent box office success both Stiller
and Black have enjoyed, this is a match made in box office heaven.” (Ed Gonzalez,
Slant magazine) ShowPlace West, ShowPlace East
Godsend [PG-13] The Duncans (Greg Kinnear and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos)
consult with an expert in cell regeneration (Robert De Niro), hoping to clone
their son, who died tragically. “Every scare is telegraphed. Every surprise
is recycled from a better thriller. Even the devil would send this one back.”
(Peter Travers, Rolling Stone)ShowPlace West, ShowPlace East
Hellboy [PG-13] A demon, rescued during infancy from the Nazis, becomes
a defender against the forces of evil. ShowPlace West
Home on the Range [PG] When an eviction notice is posted on the Patch
of Heaven dairy farm, the cows decide to raise money by collecting a bounty
on a notorious yodeling cattle rustler. ShowPlace WestÂ
Kill Bill: Vol. 2 [R] The Bride continues her campaign of revenge against
her ex-boss, Bill, and his associates. “What Quentin Tarantino started with
a wham he finishes with a bang in Kill Bill Vol. 2.” (Todd McCarthy,
Variety) Parkway Pointe
The Ladykillers [R] A professor assembles a group of thieves for a
casino heist. After they hole up in a sweet old woman’s home, they find that
she’s the biggest threat to their plans. Stars Tom Hanks. “The Coens’ remake
of a comedy classic flounders amid extreme caricatures and stained humor. (Kirk
Honeycutt, Hollywood Reporter) Parkway Pointe
Laws of Attraction [PG-13] Two New York City divorce lawyers (Julianne
Moore and Pierce Brosnan) fall in love — after waking up married to one
another.Parkway Pointe
Man on Fire [R]A former Marine (Denzel Washington) swears
vengeance on those who committed an unspeakable act against the family he was
hired to protect. (“Audiences need to be aware that the violence is intense,
but also very creative.” Marc Sigoloff, Illinois Times) ShowPlace West,
ShowPlace East
Mean Girls [PG-13]Cady Heron is a hit with The Plastics, the
A-list girl clique at her new school, until she makes the mistake of falling
for the ex-boyfriend of alpha Plastic. ShowPlace West, ShowPlace East
New York Minute [PG] On a crazy day in the Big Apple, Jane and wild
and crazy Roxy Ryan (Mary-Kate Olsen) comes to the aid of her prim and proper
twin sister, Jane (Ashley Olsen). Parkway Pointe, ShowPlace East
The Passion of the Christ [R] Mel Gibson’s version of the last 12
hours of Jesus Christ’s life. Parkway Pointe
The Punisher [R] Based on a bad-ass Marvel Comics hero, FBI agent Frank
Castle takes it upon himself to rid America of crime after his wife and family
are killed. Parkway Pointe
Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed [PG] The gang must contend with a
masked villain who unleashes scary monsters in an attempt to take over Coolsville.
ShowPlace West
13 Going on 30 [PG-13] A 13-year-old girl plays a game on her 13th
birthday and wakes up the next day as a 30-year-old woman [Jennifer Garner].
ShowPlace West, ShowPlace East
Walking Tall [PG-13] A former member of U.S. Army Special Forces (Dwayne
“The Rock” Johnson) returns to his small Washington State home to revive his
family’s lumber business. The town’s overrun with corruption; the ex-soldier
fixes things with a two-by-four. “The new Walking Tall is essentially
a lighter, cliff-note version of the original film.” (Stefan Halley, HeroRealm.com)
ShowPlace East
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This article appears in May 6-12, 2004.
