Ninety-one minutes of torture
Some things — having your wisdom teeth removed or sitting through a job interview
— end up being not nearly as bad as you thought they’d be. Then there are other
things that turn out to be so god-awful atrocious that no amount of cautious
preparation can do them justice. Case in point: Are We There Yet?, the
dismally predictable, utterly ridiculous, numbingly nonsensical alleged comedy
starring rapper-turned-actor Ice Cube. This early front-runner for worst film
of 2005 is so bad that had a noose been handy during the screening, I would
have considered using it.
Think Home Alone on the road, and you have a general idea of what this movie is about. Misogynist business owner Nick Parks (Cube) is smitten with Suzanne (Nia Long), an event planner who has broken more than a few hearts. The only problem is that she has two kids, Lindsey and Kevin (Aleisha Allen and Philip Bolden), who are obviously the spawn of Satan. Convinced that their ne’er-do-well father will soon return to their home and that they must drive away any man who attempts to take his place, these pint-sized demons concoct one elaborate scheme after another to humiliate prospective suitors. Trying to impress Suzanne, Nick volunteers to transport these scamps from Portland to Vancouver so that they may spend New Year’s Eve with their mom while she coordinates an event. Though Nick comes to regret this move, he’s not nearly as sorry as I was.
Pratfalls abound, fart and pee jokes are unleashed, and a litany of logic-defying events occurs on the seemingly interminable 350-mile trip. Nick’s SUV is systematically destroyed, a bobblehead doll serves as Nick’s imaginary guide, and there’s even a karaoke scene. This isn’t a movie, it’s a torture session that makes an interrogation by the Spanish Inquisition seem like a ticklefest.
What proves most insulting about the film is that director Brian Levant and
his four writers think the audience is so stupid they’ll believe the less-than-convincing
happy ending they pony out. Never before have the words “I love you guys” been
more forced or insincere. They deliver one more kick in the audience’s teeth.
Also in theaters this week. . .
Assault on Precinct 13 [R] Officer Jake Roenick (Ethan Hawke) cobbles
together a force made up cops and criminals to save themselves from a mob looking
to looking to kill mobster Marion Bishop (Laurence Fishburne). Parkway Pointe,
ShowPlace East
The Aviator [PG-13] Bio-pic of billionaire Howard Hughes, tracking
his early career, his romances with Hollywood actresses, and growing power.
Parkway Pointe
Coach Carter [PG-13] Samuel L. Jackson stars as a high-school basketball
coach in Richmond, Calif., who pushes his players to excel in the classroom.
ShowPlace West, ShowPlace East
Elektra [PG-13] Elektra is dispatched to kill a widower, but changes
her mind. Jennifer Garner stars as the super-heroine with the power to see in
the future.ShowPlace West, ShowPlace East
Finding Neverland [PG] A fictionalized story about author J.M. Barrie (Johnny Depp), author of Peter Pan. Parkway Pointe
In Good Company [PG-13] Dan Foreman is a middle-aged exec who gets
a youthful boss. Complicating matters: Foreman’s daughter is dating the boss.
ShowPlace West
The House of Flying Daggers [PG-13] Near the end of the Chinese Tang
Dynasty, two police deputies are sent to investigate a dancer suspected of having
ties to a revolutionary faction known as the House of Flying Daggers. Zhang
Yimou, whose credits include the lavish epic Hero, directs. Parkway Pointe
Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events [PG] Three kids are
sent to live with a distant relative (Jim Carrey). Trouble is, he’s a greedy
guy intent on getting their family’s fortune. ShowPlace West
Meet the Fockers [PG-13] Things get hairy for Greg Focker (Ben Stiller)
when his future in-laws, Jack and Dina Byrnes (Robert De Niro and Blythe Danner),
meet his weird parents (Dustin Hoffman and Barbra Streisand). ShowPlace West,
ShowPlace East
Ocean’s Twelve [PG-13] Daniel Ocean (George Clooney) must find one
more conspirator before he can pull off heists in Paris, Rome, and Amsterdam.
Sequel to 2001’s Ocean’s Eleven. ShowPlace West
The Phantom of the Opera [PG-13] Andrew Lloyd Webber’s take on the
story of a disfigured musical genius who hides in the Paris Opera House. Parkway
Pointe
Racing Stripes [PG] Stripes, an abandoned zebra, grows up thinking
he’s a racehorse. Frankie Muniz is the voice of Stripes. Parkway Pointe, ShowPlace
East
Spanglish [PG-13] Flor (Paz Vega) knows no English, moves to L.A.
with her daughter, and gets hired as a housekeeper by an eccentric couple (Adam
Sandler and Téa Leoni). Parkway Pointe
White Noise [PG-13] A man (Michael Keaton) is contacted from beyond
the grave by his murdered wife. ShowPlace West, ShowPlace East
This article appears in Jan 20-26, 2005.
