One could say Dr. Shefali Tsabary is onto something. The New York clinical psychologist got the attention and respect of Oprah Winfrey with her first book, 2010’s The Conscious Parent, which Winfrey (not a parent, for the record) describes as “one of the most profound books on parenting” she had ever read. Her fans also include Eckhart Tolle and the Dalai Lama. Her recent book on parenting, The Awakened Family: A Revolution in Parenting expands on Parent, with the thesis that it is not our children who need to be tamed or controlled, but our egos. She is the antidote to the Tiger Mother. Though her message (get rid of all your baggage and be fully present with the child in front of you) is admirable, is it realistic? Is it doable for those of us who don’t have hours each day to meditate and soul-search? In other words – those of us with kids?
Dr. Tsabary’s strength is that she is empathetic with parents and resists placing blame. Though we are unconsciously passing on to our children the burden of our “emotional blueprint,” it’s not our fault. But we need to stop. She points the way to where our pain likely originated (our parents and their pain, of course) and assures us it is quite common to unconsciously bring it into the relationship we have with our children.
Her weakness is that her ideas are presented in a vacuum, without much specific guidance as to how to institute them in the midst of the chaos that is modern family life. Those looking for a quick fix won’t find it here. Though she does gently suggest that parents make sure they themselves are organized and set clear and unwavering boundaries, Dr. Tsabary’s chief assignment to parents is to look intently at our conflicts with our children and consider the problem might be coming from us. We are charged with examining what happened in our own childhood that makes us hold children to unrealistic standards.
Ouch. It’s a lot for the ego, already battered by little tyrants, to take. We are charged with a thorough investigation into our issues: Did we only get attention when we got straight As? Were we forced to hide our feelings in order to survive a scary scene at home? Did we miss out on something and are now determined to give it to our child whether they like it or not? When we have identified our “stuff” – the attitudes and messages that are more about our past than the present – what then? We sit in our awareness.
Huh?
Dr. Tsabary teaches that much of our parenting comes from fear: fear of conflict, scarcity, of ordinariness, to name a few. We must feel the fear and do it anyway. Avoiding and denying fear (a universal emotion, and arguably a necessary one when raising small people) does nothing to dissipate it; instead we must notice it and plan strategies to deal with it. When we have identified our unresolved pain, we must simply stay aware of it and try not to “wallow in it, act it out, or suppress it.”
The book is theoretical, and the theory is solid. It’s not just navel-gazing; raising kids without emotional baggage is vital if we want a more peaceful, even civil, society. But most parents already know that we’re not perfect. We’re doing our damnedest to be loving, fair and available to our children, while providing food and shelter for them at the same time. (Those who aren’t are certainly not reading this book.)
Perhaps the most reliable way to be conscious parents is to commit to therapy with an enlightened psychologist. Unfortunately Dr. Tsabary is no longer taking on clients. Can we do it ourselves? Intense soul-searching may get lost between ballet, homework and chicken pox. I vote for Plan C. How about considering your childhood while waiting in traffic? How about some self-reflection at night instead of Facebook and CNN? Look into the distance while the baby sleeps in the stroller. If there’s one thing most parents have mastered, it’s multitasking. Just don’t do it with your children.
Ann Farrar and her husband are raising a 4-year-old as they travel across the country on a theatrical tour.
This article appears in Capital City Parent August 2016.
