Imagine coming home from a long day of work or errands and meeting your partner at the door. Your partner gestures for you to take off your coat and sit down at the table. Would you like a snack or a glass of water? There is some big news to share with you! Would you like to know what it is? Another partner is being added to the relationship! Yes, that’s right, you are to now share your partner with another human, and isn’t this just fantastic news?
You are probably thinking: Huh? Maybe you’ve thrown in some expletives. Most likely, you are not thrilled. While this is by no means an exact comparison to how your child may feel upon learning they are getting a new sibling, it certainly underlines the need to imagine things from your kids’ perspectives when it comes to the topic of sibling rivalry.
Sibling rivalry has existed since recorded humanity – think the biblical story of Cain and Abel. Siblings often fight for their caregiver’s attention, to secure their position in the family or as a reaction to perceived unfairness. Or sometimes siblings fight because they are hungry – who knows? But any parent of more than one child, or any human who has ever had a sibling of their own, knows that siblings are sometimes our best friends and sometimes the only enemies that you cannot live without.
Though complicated sibling dynamics can unfortunately last well into adulthood, sibling rivalry is most pronounced in families where children are close in age and going through similar developmental phases at the same time. It can also be exacerbated when children are the same gender. This has to do in part with the psychological process of differentiation wherein a child is seeking to figure out what makes them so special. Are they the fastest? Funniest? Best at tying their shoes? Whatever the perceived contest is, winning it means a child has achieved some sort of attention in the family group, and this is sometimes the key to developing their own personality and interests.
But what are bedraggled parents supposed to do with two or more children that pester one another, or even worse, scrap at one another day in and day out? As it turns out, we should expect some instances of sibling struggles for as long as our kids are living in our homes (and probably even beyond that time). Knowing that some strife is inevitable takes some of the pressure off of worried parents, for sure. And luckily, there are some things that parents can do to lessen the effects of sibling rivalry on the family group as a whole.
Don’t compare
Since siblings most likely engage in comparison naturally, it’s important that caregivers don’t underline these comparisons by making it seem like one child is better than the other.
Try not to referee or take sides
Your kids will come to you with long, loud tales of who did what to whom and when and how. Try to get the highlight reel, but don’t get down into the nitty gritty details. While things are escalated, help your kids to de-escalate rather than assign blame, and then guide your children toward repair and “I’m sorry” naturally.
Have ground rules
It’s fine and natural to disagree or even fight, but it’s not OK to be mean, or to hit, kick or wrestle your brother to the ground while sitting on his head. Stick to some ground rules, and make sure everyone knows that there are consequences for breaking them.
Praise the good stuff
Kids are often redirected or told to do something differently. These negative interactions add up, so catch your kids being good to their siblings and shine a light on those positive interactions.
Encourage collaborative goals
Competitive board games don’t always work with kids at different ages and stages, especially if you’ve got a competitive kiddo in the mix. Collaborative board games exist for that reason (and others). Encourage your kids to work toward goals together by taking a collaborative approach to life – clean your rooms together, help one another with an assignment, bake brownies as a team.
Keep your cool
All of these tips are extremely difficult to remember in the moments where sibling conflict is happening, but this one most of all. It’s hard not to add your own emotion to sibling rivalry when it is so loud, sudden or happens around the clock. Unfortunately, adding our fear or anger or annoyance or sadness to the pile of feelings usually just escalates things. If it is safe to do so, take a moment. Remind yourself that sibling rivalry is normal and that you are doing your very best to help your kids grow from these tough spots.
Pamela Savage is a freelance writer living in Springfield. She remembers fighting with her sibling as a child, and they get along just fine now.
This article appears in Parent Spring 2026.
