Work/life balance is often demonstrated as finding time for your job and your family or partner. But what about you?
I recently included my 2 ½-year-old daughter when describing a group of “people.” She quickly corrected me: “Mommy, I’m not people, I’m a big girl.” Guildenstern’s quote from Tom Stoppard’s Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead always struck a chord with me, a former actor: “We’re actors. We’re the opposite of people.”
As parents, particularly stay-at-home parents, we likewise sometimes segregate ourselves from the general population of “people.” What are we, indentured servants? Do we not have the same right as single people and retirees to pursue happiness? As parents, the foremost examples of humanity for our children, we must. Children copy what we do, not what we say.
At times, a parent’s primary identity as Mom or Dad can take over. There is nothing wrong with pride in your role as a parent, but the key to a happy family is balance. Are you also a poker player, a fan of dark comedy or a weekend boat captain? When was the last time you made time for what makes you you? When you feel less deprived, your attitude towards your children is likely to be more open and joyful. As we are often reminded, we must put our own oxygen masks on first.
Unfortunately, guilt can be a major hurdle. Taking time for oneself can seem like a decadent indulgence, or a tradeoff where someone is going to get slighted. But when we are stressed and overextended, our stress radiates onto our children and spreads anxiety throughout the family. It is impossible to be present with your children when you don’t feel like yourself.
Even if you can agree that time for yourself is as necessary as a solid roof on your house, you may feel at a loss as to where to find the time. With work and family obligations, it may seem impossible to fit in another obligation, albeit an enjoyable one. Here are some strategies that may help.
1. Make sure your commitments reflect your true priorities Check that they are yours specifically and not those of your neighbor or Facebook friend. Step back and ask yourself: Does the baby really need a handmade Halloween costume? Who doesn’t love brownies made from a mix? Is it worth driving across town to save a dollar on cat food? Will Grandma get over it if you don’t post photos of the birthday party online the next morning? Are you spending your precious moments of down time socializing with people you once enjoyed but no longer do? Cut it out!
Knowing that you care deeply about coaching tee-ball but can live without the best holiday decorations on the block can point you in the direction of finding a few free hours or minutes here and there. If it’s not important to your family, let it go!
2. Delegate child care Can your spouse take over one afternoon? Even if he doesn’t time naps just right or remember to walk the dog, he’ll get an on-the-job learning experience and everyone will survive. Or trade child care with another parent-friend. You take their kids one Sunday afternoon, they take yours the next. Everybody wins. Better yet, start a child care co-op with a group of parent-friends. SittingAround.com is a good place to start. Everybody trades points for child care and no money is exchanged. Kids get a playdate too, and aren’t stuck at home with an expensive stranger.
3. Involve your children in the adult world Raising them in their own little bubble of playdates, soccer practice and restaurants with chicken fingers is not going to do much for their awareness and sensitivity to those around them – or your sanity. They can handle it, and will thrive on a bit of responsibility.
Raking leaves or folding laundry together can be quality time. If you have a toddler, have them help arrange the furniture. Put these little balls of energy to work for you! Introduce them to your favorite music, if you haven’t already. Nobody needs to hear The Wiggles or Disney soundtracks all the time.
4. Multitask Most parents are experts at this already, but see if you can’t get even more creative with your to-do lists. Would an old friend be willing to catch up at the zoo or the park, while your kids climb around? Personally, my favorite way to tackle exercise and a “nature lesson” is running with a jogging stroller.
Before you know it, you may find yourself with an occasional free afternoon to dive into that new book from your favorite author or get out the Mod Podge. These things will give you more energy for your family, not less. And you’ll approach work and your relationship with renewed vigor. Like people do.
Ann Farrar, a native of Springfield, has a master’s degree in mental health counseling from New York University.
This article appears in Capital City Parent October 2014.
