First I must bring up one thing that’s been bugging me for a long time. It’s
this billboard I keep driving by. Initially I paid no attention. Then I started
to notice it. It made no sense. Then I started thinking about it. Now that I
finally get it, I’m amazed at what a stupid billboard it is. It deserves a prize
for being the most horrible billboard in Springfield — perhaps in all of Illinois,
or the world.
It’s on South Sixth Street, right over the new Mel-O-Cream shop. It’s a photo
of a big van perched on four wooden chairs. The caption reads, “There’s No Butt
Big Enough.” It’s an ad for the very sturdy chairs. I finally realized it’s
saying that even if you are as fat as a truck, you won’t break one of
these chairs.
Did somebody receive real money in return for thinking of this brilliant advertising
campaign?
That is all. I feel better now. I hate that billboard.
I’ve been getting lots of responses to my Very Exciting Contest about ways
to improve Springfield. You have until Friday, April 30, to enter, so your time
has almost run out. Some of the ideas are quite clever, and I’m going to give
you a full report next week. However, I’m seeing a problem as I read some entries.
It appears many people in Springfield are not happy. Although my intent was
to find suggestions, useful or outlandish, for brightening up our fair city,
I was shocked to read that the source of unhappiness seems to be other Springfieldians.
Maybe people thought I only wanted complaints, but an alarming number of people
who wrote seem to dislike other human beings. Other folks annoy them. Quite
a bit. For a wide variety of reasons.
Remember my napping idea? We need to implement that today. We need to start
it yesterday. At the very least we need a serious attitude adjustment
around here. Napping promotes cheerfulness.
We must quit complaining so much. We need to think about the fact that this
is it, our one chance to live. This is not a dress rehearsal for some perfect
life in which you love everybody. This is the way people are. We (and when I
say “we,” I really mean all you people who dislike others so very much) need
to mellow out. We need to give each other a break. We need to stop whining about
others and focus on doing something good for a change — help others instead
of bitching about them.
I decided to listen to people talking. Super-duper high-level investigative
reporting, that’s what I did. Taking the pulse of the city, getting the scoop
on what truly matters to people. Is it really all about complaining?
I went to Panera Bread, where I spread out my notes for my one-woman show.
It’s coming along nicely and will reveal all kinds of new and exciting things
about me, Grace Smith. I hope to see you there, 8 p.m. May 19 and 20, at Stella
Blue, downtown above Sebastian’s. Tickets are already on sale at the Cardologist
and at the Engel’s on Edwards salon.
Multitasking, that’s what I was doing: working on show, spying on others.
Damn, I’m good. Is that the right word, “spying”? I don’t think that’s very
newspaperish. “Sleuthing”? No, that’s what Nancy Drew did. “Eavesdropping.”
I like that word. It sounds so elegant; English-accented people sip martinis
while a mysterious figure eavesdrops.
I’ve never been described as mysterious. “Spying” it is.
Panera was stuffed with people last Saturday afternoon. I found a table smack-dab
in the center of activity, and I listened.
I soon discovered that people mumble. A man and woman sat next to me,
but I couldn’t hear the man at all. I scooted my chair closer, and the woman
said something about another female, something about this person’s “tics.” And
then she said the other female had stuff in her feet because of … smoking?
Hmm. Next she said, “She’s just now 1 year old.” A 1-year-old smoking? With
tics? The woman said that she herself didn’t have an addictive personality.
Does that mean the baby does? Highly troubling.
And then she said, “Springfield is really …” and “It doesn’t matter what
part of town you live in …” but I didn’t hear her concern about Springfield!
I came extremely close to saying, “Would you please speak up?” but I controlled
myself.
I leaned backward, trying to hear the people behind me — almost tipped over,
which would have been quite embarrassing. This woman sounded cheerful; she had
had a great time lunching downtown at El Presidente with somebody. Good, a positive
person. But then she said that all year she’s been wanting to take off, get
in the car, and start driving north!
As I was leaving, one man said to another, “I just kept yelling at you, and
you kept ignoring me.”
Hmm. Attitude adjustment needed everywhere. I realize this is a rather small
sampling of the voices of Springfield, but I’m adamant about the urgent need
for much more good-naturedness all around.
To see Grace’s latest video click
here.
Unable to view the video? Download Quicktime now!
This article appears in Apr 29 – May 5, 2004.
