Yanks (“American”) Avatar
(“embodiment of a concept”) is, by definition, the
essence of American thought, the quintessential American. Were it
not so, he’d have a different name. Here is his story. Yanks worked for 50 years, and he labored
well. He took pride in doing his jobs as best he could. He’s
retired now; the adjustment to doing nothing took a while, but
eventually he overcame the problem, and now he does
“nothing” well. That’s the American way —
if we’re going to do it at all, we’re going to do it
well. A few weeks ago: Illinois would not be a
factor in this year’s NCAA basketball tournament, and
baseball had yet to start its season; consequently, Yanks’
to-do list showed two weeks of blank space. Americans don’t
stand idle, so Yanks was looking for “nothing” to fill
in the blank when “political pundit” came to mind. Pundit training? Not necessary — Yanks
was already accomplished at nothing. Nonetheless, he decided to pay
token attention to the game for a couple of empty weeks. He’d
start by voting. He’d never really voted before. He’d
registered to vote. He was well intended, but he never cared for
the given choices and the write-in process was cumbersome, so he
harbingered his retirement by not voting — by doing
“nothing.” March 21: Yanks votes. Much to his surprise,
it’s a primary election. A friendly lady asks, “Democrat or
Republican?” As usual, not appealing, “given the
choices.” “I’m new to this,” he
explains. “Can I be both?” “Democrat or Republication!” says
the lady, a bit less friendly. The decision takes a while, but Yanks finally
decides to be a Democrat, because once, in a romantic fantasy,
he’d included Hillary Clinton and excluded Barbara Bush. The lady, neither friendly nor unfriendly,
explains the new “automated” write-in process. Yanks is disappointed that no president or
senators are to be considered, but he is a first-time voter and
feels it best to blindly follow the form. Governor. Rod
Blagojevich? On the plus side, Blagojevich is rumored to live day
to day in Chicago rather than here in Springfield — the more
distance between Yanks and politicians, the better. On the negative
side, anyone who doesn’t know that The Daily Show is a comedy
is way out of touch with Yanks’ values. Yanks votes for a guy called Edwin
Eisendrath. He does not know Edwin, but because Edwin would be new
to the job of governor, perhaps it’d be awhile before Edwin
felt comfortable enough to steal Yanks’ money — and maybe
two, three years before Edwin was indicted. Treasurer. Not a
clue; never heard of either candidate. So Yanks splits his vote by
writing in the first name of one candidate and the last name of the
other. If they win, Yanks reasons, they’ll audit each other
so that neither one of ’em steals too much of Yanks’
money before they’re indicted. U.S. Congress, 19th District. Yanks had been hoping for a higher district number,
but if he lives in District 19, so be it. Once more, not a clue;
never heard of either candidate. Yanks uses his newfound write-in
prowess to vote for Barbara Bush because he owes her something for
the fantasy (sexual?) exclusion and because her son seems always
“confused” — a mother’s burden. Maybe her
congressional work will take her mind off her yoke. Finally, she
gets his vote because she reminds him of his grandmother who never
stole too much of Yanks’ money before she was indicted. Illinois House, 99th District. Still not a district number as high as he’d
like, but at least it’s more than 19. He’s about to vote
for a guy named Chuck Redpath when he remembers that a Redpath wrote a letter to the editor contending
that the Illinois basketball team would have won the national
championship in 2005 had they recruited Andre Iguodala — when
everyone breathing air knows that Andre had already left college and
turned professional by 2005. This isn’t about the mundane matters
such as taxes, crime, and education . . . this is serious business! There’s
simply no place in government for someone so uniformed. Yanks votes
for the other guy and prays that the other guy is so rich that he
doesn’t need to steal too much of Yank’s money before
he’s indicted. County clerk. No
candidates listed, so Yanks writes in a vote for himself, being
reasonably sure that he won’t steal too much of his own money
before he’s indicted. And then Yanks is done voting, because
he has to concentrate on his campaign. Yanks’ first press release: “I
would appreciate your vote in the general election. As you know, I
do nothing very well, and I promise to do nothing better than my
opponent when I’m elected. Thank you.” He gets my vote. I always vote American.
This article appears in Apr 13-19, 2006.
