I never thought Mike Ditka would actually run for the U.S. Senate. But I really,
really wanted him to.
Hey, I know he might not have been a great senator. He’s too obnoxious, too impatient. But there are plenty of lousy senators, mainly because so many professional politicians don’t have even a hint of spine. Whatever else you might say about Ditka, you have to agree that he wouldn’t be anyone’s puppet.
Frankly, I didn’t even care whether he won. I just wanted him to run.
Mike Ditka does not like reporters and columnists. The Chicago sports columnists mercilessly trashed him even before his Bears finally fell apart. But Ditka gave as good as he got, ridiculing reporters for asking “stupid” questions. “What’s the difference between a 3-week-old puppy and a sportswriter?” he once asked. “In six weeks, the puppy will stop whining.”
I’ve asked a few dumb questions at press conferences in my time, but the targets of those questions never pointed out my inherent stupidity in a way that made me feel like a slug on a sidewalk. When you’re dealing with a guy like Ditka, you’ve got to always be on your game, or you’re gonna get clobbered. A full-blown Ditka press conference would have been a thrilling challenge.
And even if he did call me stupid, that would’ve been kind of cool, too. Fidel Castro screamed at me once and said I didn’t know what I was talking about. I’ve always worn that dressing-down as a badge of honor.
I also wanted Ditka to run because I knew things would get weird in a big hurry.
Ditka would not be your average candidate. His politics are a mixture of Pennsylvania steel towns and all-male country clubs, and he speaks his mind. You’d never know what might come out of his mouth at any given moment.
While telling reporters late last Wednesday that he wouldn’t run, Ditka blurted out a classic line: “You talk about banning smoking. OK, why don’t we ban abortion?” That logic probably works great on the golf course, but the reaction might be a little different during a campaign.
And then there’s the background check. Ditka has a more, um, colorful past than most modern political candidates. In the wake of flame-outs by Blair Hull and Jack Ryan over allegations from years ago, the media would naturally have taken a close look at Ditka’s personal history. It would have made for interesting reading.
Plus, there’s no way the sports columnists could resist the urge to write about Ditka’s candidacy. In fact, some of them popped off a few days after Ditka’s name was floated.
Those sports guys are brutal. No way could I convince a newspaper editor to let me write about a candidate the way they write about players, coaches, and owners.
Chicago Sun-Times sports columnist Jay Mariotti wrote last week: “Sorry, but the great state of Illinois cannot be represented in Washington by Sen. Limp Ditka.” The “limp” crack referred to Ditka’s limping gait and his endorsement contract to shill Levitra.
As I said, no way could I get away with stuff like that.
Chicago Tribune columnist Jimmy Greenfield cynically opined that Republican enthusiasm for a Ditka candidacy was about nothing more than the ex-coach’s high name recognition. Greenfield suggested an alternative candidate: Due’s deep-dish pepperoni pizza. Pizzeria Due is a landmark Chicago restaurant. The pizza-pie candidate, Greenfield wrote, would be “beloved by many and, without a doubt, far more tasty.”
I’m telling you, a Ditka candidacy would have been fantastic.
This article appears in Jul 22-28, 2004.
