Doctor: No more
hamburgers for you! Neighborhood bar and grill: $2. Police officer: The
alleged hamburger. Teenager: Like,
you know, like hamburger. Old-timer: In my
day, we didn’t have hamburgers. We ate dirt, and we were damn
happy to have dirt. Why, I remember one time in ’48, maybe
’49, we were playin’ football with a rock, and we were
damn happy to have a rock and . . . Fast food: All-beef
patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a
sesame seed bun — $3.95. Assistant: Hamburger helper. Politician (national): I have a hamburger vision.
Politician (state): The hamburger is in Chicago. Politician (local): I’ve never smoked a hamburger. Ex-Illinois governors: Wednesday is hamburger day in the prison mess hall. Bad hamburger poet: I think that I shall take a seat/and eat hamburgers as a
treat./No need for bun and all its wheat,/the fat alone makes it
complete./A cookie baked upon a sheet,/tastes OK — but
where’s the meat?/And once I tried to eat a beet,/but I could
not complete the feat. /For as we know, when life is sweet,/the
greasy burger can’t be beat. Minister: God
bless the hamburger. Stockbroker: Sell
hamburgers; buy hot dogs. Broker fee: $100. Bad hamburger joke: Knock, knock. Who’s there? Wanda. Wanda who?
Wanda have another hamburger? Classic hamburger joke: I went to a movie the other day, and in the front row was
a bald man with a hamburger toupee on his head. The movie was both
funny and sad. In the sad parts, the hamburger cried; in the funny
parts, the hamburger laughed. After the film ended, I decided to go
and speak to the man. “That’s the most amazing thing
I’ve ever seen,” I said. “That hamburger really
seemed to enjoy the film.” The man turned to me and said, “Yeah,
it is amazing, because it hated the book.” Editor: Do you
need to say “on his head?” Does not
“toupee” imply that the hamburger is on his head? Philosopher:
Those who live by the hamburger die by the hamburger. It is good to
be without vices, but it is not good to be without temptations. Vegetarian: Soy
burger. Meat market: Ground
USDA chuck. Chain restaurant: Hickory-smoked prime beef
smothered in our signature barbecue sauce, nestled on a bed of
garden-fresh iceberg lettuce, sprinkled with hearty California
sun-kissed parsley, flanked by a succulent medley of homegrown
premium hand-picked onions, accompanied by our world-famous
extra-thick homemade mustard blend. Served on a fresh-baked hoagie
roll, topped off with a deluxe array of crisp pickles. $9.95. Add
our celebrated mushrooms for only $2.95. Top-of-the-line restaurant: $29.95 Springfield: Hamburger horseshoe. Belgium: Hamburger
horsemeat. State worker: Take
your time cookin’ that hamburger — I’m on a three-hour
lunch break. Psychiatrist: How
does the hamburger make you feel? Grade-school teacher: Don’t talk while you’re chewing, and never
end a hamburger with a sentence. Coach: There’s
no “I” in hamburger.
Conservative:
Another example of the left-wing liberal press misleading the
American people — for, after exhaustive study, we have
determined that the so-called hamburger is, in fact, more beef than
ham. We have therefore initiated a lawsuit to . . . Liberal: Another
example of the Bush administration in bed with big business to
mislead the American people — for, after exhaustive study, we
have determined that the so-called hamburger is, in fact, more beef
than ham. We have therefore initiated a lawsuit to . . . U.S. Supreme Court: Ham v. Burger Me: I think
I’ll have a double hamburger with everything, extra onions,
large fries, and a tall glass of cold beer. Wife: Think
again! No more hamburgers for you!
This article appears in Jun 15-21, 2006.
