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Illinois Comptroller Dan Hynes is not generally known
for his sense of humor. Privately, in one-on-one situations, Hynes can be
engaging, even funny. Put him in front of a microphone, however, and
he’s usually stiff as a board.
So it was a great surprise last week when Hynes
regaled a Springfield audience with a “fable” that had
attendees laughing with glee. Some of Hynes’ fable about this year’s
never-ending legislative session is insider stuff, but if you’ve been
keeping up with Illinois politics you ought to understand most of it. For instance, the Illinois House voted 107-0 against
Gov. Rod Blagojevich’s horribly unpopular gross-receipts tax last
spring. Afterward, Blagojevich said it had been an “up day.”
The governor has also claimed he was doing “God’s work”
by pushing a universal-health-insurance plan, and state Sen. Mike Jacobs,
D-Moline, found himself on the outs with Blagojevich when Jacobs and the
governor sparred publicly over that proposal. Jacobs claimed that the
governor threatened to destroy his career. More recently, the governor has
sued Democratic House Speaker Michael Madigan over Madigan’s refusal
to convene special sessions at the exact hour that the governor ordered and
also over Madigan’s refusal to hold override votes of the
governor’s vetoes in a timely manner. That ought to be enough background to help you
understand Dan Hynes’s “fable.” Here it is . . .
Once upon a time, in the Land of Lincoln, a governor
presented a budget in a lovely town called Springfield. This governor was great and generous and had a
tremendous head of hair. The wise and diligent people who needed to approve
the budget, the members of the General Assembly, invited the governor to
their home to talk about one part of his plan. He did, and when he left
their House the members did what any courteous hosts would do: They voted
107-0 against him and told him that he was always welcome to stop by. Though the governor declared this a great victory,
the streets of Springfield were strangely free of dancing or parades or
general merriment. Instead, a great black cloud covered the land. The members of the General Assembly knew that to save
the day they’d have to agree on some kind of plan, so their leaders
set to work, day and night, but agreed on nothing of consequence. And the
cloud remained. Now danger was approaching, and everyone said that
more time was needed — so that they could call each other the worst
names they could think of . . . nasty, terrible names. Like when someone called the governor a demagogue
— and when the governor called the speaker of the House a Republican. And then things got even worse. The governor said
that God was on his side, and he unleashed God’s fury against a
senator from Moline. The men who led the General Assembly insisted that
they were absolutely, positively right and, whenever discussing the
governor, took God’s name in vain. God was generally not pleased. The cloud remained.
But just when things looked their worst, just in the
nick of time, the good and decent leaders, knowing all that was at stake
for the people they served, came together — in courtrooms all across
the Land of Lincoln. You see, the governor had said that the members should
meet at 2 o’clock. But the members decided to get together at 10
o’clock. That could mean only one thing, in the name of truth and
justice and everything good in the world: Sue the bums!
So, in the happiest of happy endings, the governor
sued the speaker of the House and, just to make sure that the
speaker’s clerk didn’t feel lonely, sued him, too. For a moment
the governor thought about suing a maid at the Statehouse Inn because she
had once said hello to the speaker, but, in the rush to get home for a Cubs
playoff game, he forgot all about that.
And the cloud remains over the land. Some say that the governor is acting crazy. Some say that the speaker is acting crazy. Some say that
the other leaders are acting crazy.
But all of the people in the Land of Lincoln agree on
one thing: Their leaders are always, always, always putting them first.
Rich Miller
publishes Capitol Fax, a daily political newsletter, and thecapitolfaxblog.com.
This article appears in Oct 18-24, 2007.
