I was dating a sociopathic compulsive liar for three months. I had a gut feeling that he was lying about his work, education and finances, but I had no real proof. This allowed him to manipulate me and convince me that I was crazy, insecure and paranoid. Finally, through Internet searches and contact with his ex-wife, I got proof together and confronted him. Though I dumped him, I’ve become super edgy and suspicious that everyone’s lying to me. I even accused a co-worker of stealing my phone. I think the stress this guy put me through probably caused PTSD. How does one move on after dating a sociopath? –Burned
What you experienced is called “gaslighting,” a covert form of psychological bullying that leaves you doubting your perception of reality and eventually accepting the bully’s distorted, self-serving version. So, for example, when you question your partner on something – like their work, education or finances – instead of doing the civilized, healthy-person thing and giving you an answer, they blast you for daring to insult them by asking. Day after day, as they treat you like you’re nuts, blind or dumb, your self-worth erodes and you feel less and less able to trust your judgment.
It’s the need for outside validation that makes a person susceptible, explains psychologist Robin Stern in The Gaslight Effect. Another risk factor is an overvaluing of romantic love – seeing it as a magical eraser for life’s problems and a way to duck out of the grubby work of developing a self. Believing the unbelievable is the price of maintaining a relationship that seems “more intense, more glamorous and more special.”
To your credit, you had a strong-enough self that you eventually crawled up through the romantic cloud cover and did some late-night Internet snake-hunting. Though you’ve given your reptile the boot, your fear of being scammed again has you going all Inspector Javert on every slightly shifty-eyed co-worker. Consider that you’re reacting to the romantic con job as if it happened randomly, like a roast chicken falling out of a private jet and cracking you on the head. To stop wildly flinging suspicion around, accept responsibility: Admit that you got duped because you wanted to believe more than you wanted to see.
Granted, it isn’t always easy to identify the liars. Stern, however, offers good advice to avoid getting taken in by gaslighters and other pathologically inventive hustlers. Instead of debating them on whether a particular piece of information is right or wrong, focus on your feelings. Ask yourself: “Do I like being treated this way…talked to this way?”
And, though you don’t have PTSD, you might take a page out of psychologist Ofer Zur’s playbook – his notion that we heal from bad experiences by creating a narrative that gives them meaning for the future. You, for example, could use this experience as a giant Post-it note reminding you to take a relationship slowly, meet a person’s circle of friends, and see who they are over time – instead of immediately declaring that you’ve found the love of the century.
©2015, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (advicegoddess.com). Weekly radio show: blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon. Order Amy Alkon’s new book, “Good Manners For Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck” (St. Martin’s Press, June 3, 2014).
This article appears in Nov 5-11, 2015.
