I’m dating a wonderful guy I’m totally in love with. He’s always looked
up to his older brother, a very attractive guy who’s a real lady’s man.
I’ve found myself behaving in some unsettling ways when we hang out
with his brother, like fixing myself up beforehand like I’ve got a big
date. I realized that I want his brother to want me. I get a very
naughty feeling when he looks me up and down, and I love it. To be
clear, I don’t want him in any real or threatening way, and I don’t want
to jeopardize my relationship with my boyfriend. Perhaps I’m motivated
by knowing that my boyfriend has never been envied by his brother, and
now I get to make that happen. –Puzzled
Like many good people,
you’re inspired to do volunteer work to bolster the less fortunate, such
as the boy who grew up deprived of being envied by his older brother.
Interestingly, others who do charitable work, like Salvation Army
Santas, somehow manage to accomplish it without first re-engineering
their cleavage to graze their jaw line.
In addition to your
push-up humanitarianism and the ensuing uplift for your ego (and
possibly your boyfriend’s, too), another explanation for your behavior
is that you aren’t just yourself; you’re also what two researchers call
your “subselves.” It’s long been believed that we each have one
consistent “self,” with stable preferences, leading us to make
consistent choices from situation to situation. That actually isn’t the
case. Psychologists Douglas Kenrick and Vladas Griskevicius, authors of The Rational Animal: How Evolution Made Us Smarter Than We Think, find evidence for our having seven “subselves” driving our choices,
each corresponding to a different evolutionary challenge our ancestors
faced. These challenges include: 1. Evading physical harm. 2. Avoiding
disease. 3. Making friends. 4. Gaining status. 5. Caring for family. 6.
Attracting a mate. 7. Keeping that mate.
Although we like to
think of ourselves as driven by rational thought, environmental triggers
can prime a particular subself to grab the controls. For example,
seeing a scary movie or a crime report primes our harm-evading subself
to take charge, amping up our loss aversion. (Good time to sell us a
Rottweiler and the world’s first suburban moat.) And although you’re in a
happy relationship, real or imagined potential mates on the horizon
prime your mate attraction subself, which is the one leading you,
whenever your boyfriend’s bro will be around, to dress for sliding into a
booth at the diner like you’ll be sliding down a greased pole.
The
complicated truth is, if your boyfriend notices his brother’s eyeballs
bouncing after you like puppies, you may be priming his mate-retention
subself by reminding him that you have other options. To keep him from
suspecting you’re interested in other options, prime your own
mate-retention subself. Look at cute pictures of the two of you and run
through reasons you’re grateful for him and for your relationship. This,
in turn, should help you refrain from saving your sexiest looks and
moves for when you two are hanging out with his brother: “Just gonna
twerk my way to the bakery case, bend over in this short skirt, lick the
glass, and see if the banana nut muffins speak to me.”
©2013, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave., #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (advicegoddess.com). Weekly radio show: blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon
This article appears in Oct 17-23, 2013.
