There’s
so much we can’t tell you about the folks we write about in our Illinois Times “Remembering” issue. The past two years have been
particularly difficult for me writing about folks I actually knew and containing
all my love for them in 800 words. One of my best friends died in 2012 and my lover died
this year.
I
have just a few more things to tell you about Mark MacDonald. Here, a few folks
who knew him share their thoughts:
There’s the book, “Tuesdays with Morrie.” I had
Thursdays with Mark (MacDonald). Thursdays were the best day of the week for me
because I got to see Mark for a couple of hours after work. We were brought
together through an extraordinarily good hospice pairing – I was his
volunteer. While largely confined to
home, Mark was an extraordinary presence. His travel was limited, but his outlook was global. He was passionate about fairness, justice and
ways to fund causes he believed in. He
advised me on light bulbs. I heard stories of crooked contractors in
California, his cross-country chase of a woman – one that ultimately led to
meeting the love of his life, Anita. I
heard about his time in the military. He was proud of his Scottish heritage. I’m
not really sure why Mark’s reading tastes ran to complex, near-obsolete
academic books. I’d call them tomes, but he’d ask the library to unearth them
so he could study up. Since he was endlessly fascinated with how things work, I
decided to see if he’d like Mary Roach’s “Packing for Mars.” He did. Mark
lost patience with being in hospice and dropped out. It was a choice that made
sense for him, but I missed my time with him – a lot. – Sandra McCollum
Until his service I didn’t know
he’d worked at Quality Lighting. It seemed so appropriate to me — light
calling to light. His smile lit up many
a heart! — Lola Lucas
I most fondly remember two particular things about Mark: The happy hair that seemed to dance above his head, and his all-consuming laugh, how he could laugh himself breathless. – Glenn Cassidy
Mark was
in Memorial’s hospice program. Many amazing folks work there and were so
helpful and kind. Some even cared for Mark while battling their own health
issues. One visiting tech whom Marked adored was fighting breast cancer and was
just growing her hair back in.
They
are all wonderful people and it’s a wonderful program. So send Memorial Home Services donations or support in any
form that you can. I also urge you to purchase Fawn Hoener’s book, A Holy Errand. She was one of Mark’s
nurses and wrote a well written and touching book about being a hospice nurse. It
is a little glimpse into what she deals with and what the folks she cares for deal
with. I consider those that work in hospice some of our biggest angels on earth.
I don’t
know how these folks do it every day – caring for, and many times coming to
care for, souls that are sick and dying. It reminds me of Mother Teresa’s words
that came out in the last decade about how she suffered a disconnect from God
while serving for the sick and poor in India. As Mark’s caregiver for over a
decade, I think I can understand this and hospice workers must. It is difficult to be in the trenches and
not feel the darkness. It is difficult not to feel the dirt or mud that is so close and encompassing. It just is what it is. Compassionate, empathetic souls cannot help but suffer deeply along with those who suffer.
“Happier
Endings” by James Krohe Jr. (May 23) was published in Illinois Times only days before Mark died at home. I was lying by
his side, holding his hand, stroking his arm and talking to him. He wanted to
die in our bed, not in a hospital bed hooked up to a machine. He
refused feeding tubes or even an oxygen machine in the end. I watched my lover’s
body die.
The
week I returned to work, having missed the May 23 edition of the paper, I had
the joy and jolt of copyediting a Letter to the Editor written in response to this
very article, of which Krohe has since written more about in his blog.
Mark
was a kind and generous man, and I know he would have wanted me to share a few
things we learned on his end-of-life journey if it might help anyone. He had
lived with MS for years, a disease that striped him gradually of the use of his
legs then arms. (Multiple Sclerosis does not kill mind you. The majority of
folks who get MS will live a full life or only have a few years taken from
them. But a few do die from complications.) Mark fought through four bouts of
pneumonia in the last couple years. He was aspiring liquids.
So as I spoke about in my remembering piece, we encourage everyone to talk with your spouse and
family even if you’re not sick. We urge you to write down your end-of-life wishes. What do you
want for yourself and for those you will leave behind? What would you want your
loved ones to know before you died? Where and what are your important papers
and accounts? Do you want to die at home? Do you want to be cremated or buried?
Do you want a viewing? What clothes would you want your family to put on your
body for the viewing?
If
you’re young, you can search out pamphlets or booklets that ask all the right questions.
Some funeral homes have them online. Fill one out and keep it with your will or
important papers. For older folks or those near the end of their life, contact
a funeral home and pre-plan your funeral as soon as possible. Believe me, even
if you do, there will be lots of tasks to accomplish once death occurs. Sometimes,
finding info can take awhile. By pre-planning you can get a lot of facts out of
the way that are required for the death certificate. And if you pay, you can
lock in the cost.
For
those who face end-of-life decisions, explore the pros and cons of dying at
home and dying at a hospital. What does each offer you and your loved ones who
will be caring for you until your last breath? Some people slip away. Mark did
not. Though I wouldn’t change a thing, I’m not sure Mark or I knew exactly what
we were getting into (though maybe you can never fully know the unknown). I’m not
sure I knew I would have to administer pain meds, stay up all night to move his
aching body, be alone in the room when he actually died. Though I had read
everything I could find on the Internet, and hospice had a list of what the body
goes through at the time of death, and the nurses talked to us, I wish Mark and
I had researched and talked about it even more than we did. So take it from a
couple who prided themselves on communication and talked about everything, Don’t be naïve or uninformed. Talk about your end-of-life wishes.
Mark had
a love of words and wrote his entire life. His father had been a poet before
him. Mark had two chapbooks published and his
poetry appeared in several zines. He was a Springfield Poets and Writers member
for many years. He supported Navigating
the Maze for more than 15 years. More of his poetry is below.
From LET THERE BE LIGHT
can I
sell you something today
maybe
a new kind of light bulb
with
which you can see better
can I
sell you something which
hasn’t
gone out of style since
man
discovered it
although
it existed long before that
are
you willing to pay a little money
for
my sympathy and understanding of
how
dark it is
I am
not a priest, social worker, psychologist
I am
selling something which is
already
there anyway
let
there be light
GLOBAL ECONOMY PART I
the
plunger I bought
came
from Taiwan
the
gas in my car comes
from
the Middle Eat
the
light bulbs I sell
are
made in Poland
most
of America’s
religion
comes
from Israel
my
favorite food is Chinese
my
friends are British, French, Italian, Irish, Japanese
my
father came from Scotland
I
practice yoga
my
favorite music Celtic
my
old lover Spanish
the
best hitchhiking ride from an Indian
why
turn on the t.v. tonight
BETTER LIVING THROUGH
CHEMISTRY
OR THE BUILDING BLOCKS OF
NATURE
listen
to a story, son,
of a
very talented individual
who
forgot the fourth element of chemistry:
grease,
sugar, caffeine, and SALT.
dad
took another vitamin
pill
and I watched him choke.
next
week he promised to teach
me
who invented money.
I
looked at my watch
and
wondered who invented time.
PROTOPLASM II
have
heard Einstein says
the
planet pushes
time
as it goes thru space
voila
looked
at the recipe for guacamole
found
out tomorrow wasn’t in the bowl
microwaved
yesterday
take its
flesh off the walls
tasty,
huh?
It
pains me that I may not have done justice to my lover in his remembrance. The
piece was so difficult to start so I didn’t spend nearly as much time on it as
I did my friend’s obit in 2012. I’m not sure my love for him rings out clearly. I think
my poems capture that more. If you’d like to read a few of them, here are four: Breaking
Free, El Silencio de Sangre Azul, Barred Owl Rhapsody, Heat and
Light.
Anita
Stienstra
Send poems or blog post ideas
to astienstra@illinoistimes.com.
This article appears in Dec 26, 2013 – Jan 1, 2014.
