I’m a woman in my early 20s. I do fine getting dates, but only first dates. And no, I’m not having sex with guys on the first date, but I still never hear from them again. I ran into one of these guys at a party and begged him to tell me what had gone wrong. He said, “You’re kind of intense.” I asked him to explain, and he said, “You do a lot of talking.” I do talk a lot, but I’m informed and opinionated. Do I really have to be some mute little woman to get second dates? – Man Repellant
On a date, you should merely be splashing your personality around, tempted as you may be to hold a guy down and try to drown him in it.
This isn’t to say you have to be “some mute little woman” to get a second date. Consider that there’s a middle ground between channeling Nancy Grace and playing a shy geisha hiding behind her fan. And sorry, but being “informed” and “opinionated” does not give you a pass to turn a date into a re-education camp with wine and entrees. In fact, this sort of conversational takeover is like a toupee; it usually ends up calling attention to whatever it was supposed to cover up (self-worth issues, nervousness or maybe a need to push people away, despite putting yourself out there like you want a relationship).
To see more of these guys than their exhaust as they drive away forever, be mindful of the purpose of a date: getting to know somebody, not getting to know how they look listening to you. As for all this information you’re excited to impart, ironically, the way you get somebody interested in listening to you is by showing interest in them. You do that by listening to them – really listening (from the gut, not just nodding while waiting for them to take a breath so you can shoehorn in your next point).
Being willing to share the conversational space isn’t a sign you’re some empty dress of a woman; quite the contrary. It’s what secure people do – connecting with others instead of pepper-spraying them with words. Try an experiment on your next few dates. Say as little as possible about yourself all evening. Answer questions about yourself when asked, but focus on asking your date about who he is and what he thinks. Chances are, you’ll have a much better time and maybe get asked on some second and third dates. Wonderful things can happen when you give a man the sense that there’s a real reason for him to be there – as opposed to the idea that he could have stayed home and, in his place, sent a giant ear.
© 2015, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (advicegoddess.com). Weekly radio show: blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon. Order Amy Alkon’s new book, “Good Manners For Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck” (St. Martin’s Press, June 3, 2014).
This article appears in Feb 5-11, 2015.
