As parents, one of our most important goals is to teach our children to be independent, but teaching those skills can sometimes be difficult and fraught. It’s not always easy for kids to walk into their new roles and responsibilities with good cheer, and it’s definitely not easy for parents to let go.
Our well-meaning desire to help our kids have easy, happy days (and, let’s face it, sometimes just get out the door) often holds our kids back in terms of learning little life skills like tying a shoe or packing a lunch. Unfortunately, those little life skills add up to big life skills as children reach for the independence and confidence that they’ll need to grow into happy adults.
Luckily, every day is a new day to practice independence with kids, and the back-to-school season is a perfect time to think about these things. Here are some easy mindset shifts that you can consider in order to help your children foster independence during this upcoming school year:
Let them be
Kids need space to learn and grow, and well-meaning parents sometimes hover. We’ve all been there. Allow your kids to play in a different room without intervening, resist the urge to oversee sibling fussiness so they can work it out on their own, let your kids ride their bikes or scooters or walk ahead of you. All of this can be done safely and to your kids’ developmental level, and allows them the space they need to work things out on their own.
Offer choices
You’ve likely heard this advice, which is to allow children to make their own choices whenever possible. The back-to-school season is full of opportunities to make choices. For younger students, this could be as simple as allowing kids to choose their own clothing, or letting them pick what the family will do with part of the weekend. For older children, merge the ideas of choices and independence and go ahead and ask them directly: What would you like the freedom to be able to do this school year?
Rethink routines and chores
Involving your kids in the day-to-day maintenance of their things and their home not only splits the load for the whole family, it teaches independence and life skills. Since back to school likely has us all reexamining our routines, why not do so with an aim toward independence? If your family has a list of things that need to be done before school (put your pajamas in the laundry, wipe that blue toothpaste out of the sink, walk the dog around the block) or after school (empty your lunchbox, help manage the pile of papers in your backpack, walk the dog around the block again), involve your kids to the extent they are able.
Try not to nag
OK, so here’s the kicker. As parents, we can only accomplish the above if we don’t stand in the way of how it gets done. Let’s say you’d like your kid to make their bed. Great, but, you might have to rethink your goal of military corners right away. Overcorrecting our kids doesn’t allow them to build their life skills on their own, so whenever possible, try not to nag. If your kids are attempting to make their own choices and manage their own items or spaces, let them be.
Let mistakes happen
Mistakes and natural consequences are part of life. Of course, we love our kids and would never purposefully put them in harm’s way, but this doesn’t mean we have to clear the road for them, either. Our kids will come up against obstacles and make mistakes, and that’s alright. We learn from our mistakes and are better for them. Our hearts are in the right place, and it can be hard not to want to intervene, but just remind yourself that we parents are playing the long game here.
Pamela Savage is a freelance writer living in Springfield. She thinks parenting is a lot. She is trying.
This article appears in Parent Fall 2025.
