Children constantly learn from us parents – lessons we want to teach and those we don’t, whether we know they’re watching or not. Here’s how two Springfield mothers make lessons in compassion intentional, ongoing and heartfelt.
A complete life
For Mary Killough, compassion begins at home, with her sons, Jacob, Justin and Jeffrey, and continues into her extended family life and her work as deputy director for the Illinois Department on Aging.
“Compassion is absolutely important,” says Killough, who saw the grim results of life without compassion and kindness as a criminal prosecutor in Cook County before she moved to Springfield.
“Compassion is treating everyone the way you would want to be treated, with kindness and support. I’m cognizant of talking to my children in a kind way; I hope my kids pick up on how I am and how my extended family treats each other. I make a point of reinforcing kindness and courtesy interacting with each other. It’s an important way to live your whole life. The way we treat each other says a lot about who we are [and being] sensitive to the world we live in.”
She must be getting it right because the boys’ teachers have all described them as respectful and courteous. And the youngest boy, eight-year-old Jacob, is known as one of the kindest children in his elementary school.
“All my children show concern for people,” she continues. “Once when they saw someone with a severe disfigurement in the grocery store, they asked me, ‘Mommy, is that person OK? What happened?’ They didn’t make a critical comment or show a horrified reaction.”
They have learned compassion from her. One evening at the gas station, Killough and the boys saw an older woman who was confused and disoriented as she tried to get her bearings and drive home. “It was starting to get dark, and we tried to give her directions, but she couldn’t understand.” The Killoughs wound up leading her all the way to her home. Although it took an hour or more, no one complained.
“I told the boys, ‘She needs our help. We all need help at some point in our lives, and there are times when you need to help people – not just because they’re older, but because it’s the right thing to do. There’s nothing we’re doing that’s more important than helping each other.’”
Another way Killough models compassion is going as a family to each other’s events. “We support each other.”
“You show your children a lot of things by example, and I try to live a complete life. I take my children a lot of places with me – they go to programs and receptions, and they pick up on how I interact with everyone. Your children are always watching you.”
Empathy and kindness in action
“I think your actions show compassion and kindness – compassion is considering how someone else feels and how your actions can make someone feel,” says Candice Long, director of compliance for SIU School of Medicine. Long says she and her husband try to model positivity and kindness daily at home, and have established a family tradition of hosting fundraising birthday parties with their children, Claire, Kyle and Emily.
“When the kids were younger, I gave them a daily task,” says Long. “‘Say good morning to five people. Do something nice for someone today.’ I would put reminders in their backpacks, ‘Smile at someone today.’ Then they would report back what they did. After awhile, I started getting notes in my purse. ‘Mom, have a great day. Smile at someone today. Say good morning.’
“When they come home from school and talk about someone who was mean to someone else, I ask, ‘What did you do then? Did you ask them to sit at your table, or ask them to come do what you were doing?’” In this way, Long empowers her kids with skills to be kind and helpful to others.
Then, a few years ago, the Longs learned of the idea to redirect birthday gift giving to charity. They proposed it to Emily and, in 2012, when she and a friend were both turning 10 years old, the families co-hosted a roller skating party for nearly three dozen friends. In June this year, Claire did the same thing for her eighth birthday. The girls received presents from family, but friends’ presents were money for a charity the birthday girls had selected and researched.
“People gave a lot more than we thought they would,” says Long. Emily’s party raised several hundred dollars. Claire’s party more than doubled the first donation. Since then, other friends have had similar parties for charity, and Kyle is planning his party for this winter.
DiAnne Crown learned compassion from her mother. “As a young child, my mother took me to activities at the King’s Daughters Home and Kumler Food Pantry. There was frequently food cooling on the counter at home for a family in need or a church event. And as I grew up, even through the storms of adolescence, she treated me with love and respect. But the event that probably marked my life was one evening doing errands with her in the car. Driving south on MacArthur Boulevard about 5 o’clock, she saw a small white dog alone in the middle of traffic. I watched as she stopped the car, turned on the blinkers, bravely got out and carried the frightened dog to safety. My son and I have repeated the same kindness toward lost animals many times since.”
This article appears in Capital City Parent July 2014.
