When I was a child growing up in the 1980s, my dad was something of an anomaly. He took me to doctors’ appointments and sports practices; he chaperoned school field trips; he played board games with me and read books to me on lazy summer days. He wasn’t technically a stay-at-home dad, but as an on-call corporate pilot, he had days, sometimes weeks, at a time when he was home and able to participate fully in the mundane details of my little life. Other families on my block, those with the dads who backed their sedans down the driveway at 8 a.m. and returned at 5:30 p.m. to pat their children on the head before relaxing on the couch with a beer, looked a little bit askance at my father and his hyper-participatory parenting.
Flash forward 30-odd years, and my husband is just as involved in our son’s life as my dad was in mine. My son is in day care because we both work (me at a full-time job, he full time on a Ph.D), but the flexibility of my husband’s schedule means the parenting split in our household is probably closer to 60-40 in his favor. Moreover, my laziness as a housekeeper means that domestic chores are split something like 70-30. (I was relieved of laundry duty, for example, once my husband figured out that I don’t bother to sort by color. I am, however, still trusted to fold.) Only now, unlike during my childhood, this doesn’t raise eyebrows. My husband is a 21st century dad, part of a new generation of fathers who are breaking the mold and rewriting the rules of parenting that they grew up with.
Modern fathers face a completely different set of economic realities than their fathers did. Women now outnumber men in the American workforce, and both parents work in nearly half (47 percent) of American families. Within those families, 49 percent of American mothers are either the primary breadwinner or financially on par with their partners. Although only 3.5 percent of stay-at-home parents are fathers, that percentage is double what it was a decade ago, and 51 percent of male respondents to a Today Show poll said they would stay home with the kids if they could afford to. Eight percent of American households with children are now headed by single fathers.
With these changing economic realities come evolving and expanding ideas about the role of fatherhood. Modern fatherhood now means more than being the chief breadwinner and chief disciplinarian, but that “more” is not always clearly defined. Because what worked well for his father 30 years ago may not work as well today, modern fathers are less likely to rely on their own childhood experiences for fatherhood guidance, meaning they are often operating without a roadmap.
John Stearns of Springfield had to forge his own path seven years ago when he became a stay-at-home dad to his two children, then ages seven and two. “It was scary as hell,” he recalled of his first few days of at-home parenting. “I mean, it was a massive, massive leap of faith we took. Did we do the right thing? Are we going to regret this? Will we succeed?”
To make matters worse, John felt stigmatized for his decision to stay at home. “It was awful, honestly. There were many who couldn’t believe I just up and quit my job. There were others that unloaded their arsenals of emasculating zingers,” he explained. But what annoyed him the most was the reaction that his wife received. “People would ask my wife if I got fired. People would ask her if I was sick. People would ask her if I was in rehab. They seemed completely shocked that she wasn’t embarrassed, disappointed or ready to leave me.”
John was able to find some guidance and sense of community through websites devoted to stay-at-home dads, and he is full of praise for Springfieldmoms.org, which he calls “the standard-bearer for parenting support in this area,” and which, he notes, “is doing more and more to include men and fathers.”
Ultimately, he found the experience of staying home with his children incredibly satisfying. “It was so amazing to get to watch my kids grow up and to be there for most of the milestones in their lives. I cannot get enough of my kids. I learn stuff from both of them every single day. They make me phenomenally proud,” he said.
When asked what advice he has for other 21st century dads, John’s advice is simple: “If you have kids, then be their dad 100 percent. Don’t half-ass it. Whether you work, or whether you stay home with them, you can be a full-time dad regardless of how much time you are able to physically spend with them.”
John Stearns blogs about his fatherhood experiences at http://spfldilstayhomedad.wordpress.com/
Erika Holst is a working mother and the proud wife of a 21st century dad.
This article appears in Capital City Parent October 2014.
