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Love means never having to say you’re sorry
— that you’re sleeping apart. Although many older couples remain young valentines
at heart, experts say, the increase in snoring, sleep disorders, and
stirring in bed often spurs partners to consider separate bedrooms. “I don’t think that most couples sleep
apart; I think that most of them sleep together and complain,” says
sleep researcher Gila Hertz. “What often happens is they start
sleeping together — and either the wife or husband moves to another
bed in the middle of the night.”
Hertz recommends separate beds or bedrooms for some
patients but stresses the need to take gradual steps to determine a
solution. If the sleep disorder is just movement, as in restless-legs
syndrome, separate beds in the same room will work, she says. But if the
disorder is a noise issue such as snoring, separate rooms may be needed. “You should not feel guilty,” Hertz says.
“A lot of people say, ‘I would sleep downstairs, but I feel so
guilty that I wouldn’t do it.’ ”
In addition to sleep disorders, different schedules
may cause disruption when early risers cohabitate with night owls: One gets
chores done before dawn and the other enjoys late-night TV. Furthermore,
sleep becomes much lighter as we get older, experts say.
LOVE AND AFFECTION
But even though these factors may cause the members
of couples to sleep apart, they don’t have to drift apart. Alvin Paullay of Tappan, N.Y. and his wife, Roberta,
both in their seventies, sleep in separate beds. Alvin has obstructive
sleep apnea, a condition that causes the sleeper to stop breathing, gasp,
and partially awaken multiple times throughout the night. He sleeps with a
CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) machine to normalize his
breathing.
His wife, meanwhile, has restless-legs syndrome. But
the decision to go to twin beds wasn’t predicated on any sleep
disorder; it was their schedules that determined the arrangement. “When we got married, we bought twin beds with
a single headboard. I was studying for my Ph.D., up late and getting into
bed late, and didn’t want to disturb her,” Paullay says,
“and through the years we found my sleep became very tenuous and we
could not make them up as one bed, so we made them up as two beds with one
cover. Just recently we started separating the twin beds about an inch or
two. We can still reach across and touch each other.”
His advice for keeping connected? “You still
have to be affectionate; you still have to be loving and do what you did
when you were younger,” Paullay says. “If it weren’t for
the sleep disorders, we’d still snuggle and cuddle; we just
don’t sleep that way.”
“You’d be amazed at how many couples are
sleeping in separate bedrooms,” says Dr. Michael J. Thorpy, director
of the Sleep-Wake Disorders Center at Montefiore Medical Center in New York
City. “It’s much more common than people realize. And the most
common reason is due to snoring.”
It’s a nationwide trend, and it appears to
affect women and men alike.
SNORE NO MORE
For years, Liz Johns, of Anadarko, Okla., was snoring
her husband, Wilbur Johns, out of bed. She was in denial until one night
she thought she heard a pig snort in the room. “Then I had to realize
it was me,” she says. Countless doctors had attributed her nighttime
snoring and daytime fatigue to everything from allergies to hormones.
“I finally learned the symptoms of sleep apnea on the Internet, and
the first time I read the list of symptoms I knew immediately that this was
me,” says Liz. Tested and found to have a severe case, she began
undergoing treatment, like Alvin Paullay, with a CPAP machine. So what about romance? “Make time for it,” Wilbur says.
“You’ve got to communicate with one another. You may not be
able to have the spontaneity you once had, but just learn to work through
it to make everybody happy.”
As for sleeping apart or sleeping with a CPAP
machine, Liz says, “A well-rested person is a lot more romantic than
a groggy person.”
Some patients’ initial sleep experience with
the CPAP machine is so quiet in contrast to their years of snoring,
snorting, and waking that their spouses often check to see whether
they’re breathing. Still, not everyone can tolerate the CPAP machine.
When Charlie Hawkins, 64, of Bay Shore, N.Y., could not adapt to the bulky
equipment, he was referred to Don Pantino, a dentist who specializes in
treating patients with sleep-disordered breathing using oral appliance
therapy. Unlike the CPAP machine, with its mask and hose, the dental
appliance “looks like false teeth backwards,” says Elizabeth
Hawkins, 64, who
was taking a prescription pill to sleep through Charlie’s snoring,
though for years she slept in a different room. But sleeping apart didn’t drive them apart.
“We’ve been together for 50 years, since ninth grade,”
Elizabeth says. She acknowledged missing the communication and
closeness, the time “before you close your eyes and go to sleep,
sharing your thoughts,” she says, “but you just tolerate it.
Hey, at least he was cooperative and went for treatment.”
Former snorer Richard Samperisi, of East Islip, N.Y.,
advises others to schedule a sleep study for their health and consideration
for their partners. “My wife is a light sleeper. How can a light
sleeper possibly fall asleep when someone’s making that
racket?” says Samperisi, who was found to have sleep apnea and tried
the CPAP machine. “He looked like Hannibal Lecter,” says
his wife, Charlene, referring the villainous character in The Silence of the Lambs who is
forced to wear a mask. Instead, Richard was fitted for a dental device, and
his sleep, breathing, and energy were restored. “What affected the relationship was that he
didn’t have the energy to do anything,” says Charlene, 50, who
worried about her husband’s condition. “Find out the problem instead of
waiting,” she advises. “Be patient. If they have this problem,
it’s not their fault.”
Paula Ganzi Licata
writes for New York’s Newsday.
This article appears in Jan 4-10, 2007.
