We have mixed feelings about Uncle Oscar. On
one hand, there’s that nasty episode with the butter cow at
the Illinois State Fair; on the other hand, he’s the only
family member ever to chair the MIT departments of astrophysics and
applied mathematics at the same time.
No matter. Feelings one way or the other
become moot when Uncle Oscar disappears two days before his
scheduled court appearance, the same day my PC starts displaying a
screen full of mathematical formulae at sign-on. It is two months
before I notice that the formulae are formatted in letter style. A
salutation of algorithms? A signature line of linear equations? Six
more months pass before I can translate any it — any of Uncle
Oscar’s messages.
It seems Uncle Oscar invented both time travel
and across-time communication. He contends that he jumped to the
year 4000 for a quick summer vacation — and got stuck.
Unfortunately (or fortunately), he rushed his design.
Because I must also communicate back by way of
his formula language, I suffer for weeks to construct even simple
questions.
Consequently, after nearly a year’s
worth of trying, my knowledge of the future is limited, but what I
do know is, in my humble opinion, encouraging.
Mathematics is not only the common
language in year 4000; it’s the only language, as in: ? (in v)2 + c =
“Hello”; –e – x (x + 1) = “Have a
nice day”; and {[c – f] + XXX} =
“In a building stacked floor to ceiling with cheese bricks,
the butter cow was my only option.”
A fortunate language transition indeed,
especially for English-speaking folks, for Uncle Oscar reports that
by 2106 the word “like” has replaced 67 percent of all
other English words, so that the warning “Don’t drink
the Drano! It’ll kill you!” read “Like, drink,
like! Like, Drano likes, like you.”
By 2406, “nation-states”
defined by land boundaries have gone the way of tribes,
city-states, and religious states. The world is evolving to be
politically organized by people’s names. For example, there is a country of Bill
Johnson(s), a country of Mary Shaw(s), and a country of Lee Wang(s).
Wanting the best for their children, wanting
them to be affiliated with the most powerful group, people start
naming their offspring most ordinary names and eventually drop
surnames altogether. By the year 4000, every man, women, and child
is just plain Bob and everyone lives in the country of Robert
— or, mathematically speaking, ([R]).
With the exception of identity theft,
which is rampant, crime is almost nonexistent and there
hasn’t been a war since 3018, when the last of those Evil
Empire WMD-hoarding Larrys was slaughtered off.
The Cubs may or may not have won a
World Series in 3502. Take your pick, because all professional
sporting teams have been called the Bobcats since 3409.
There really is a parallel world to
ours existing in another dimension, where everything is exactly the
same as in our world — except that people eat tapioca pudding
with deer knives.
Dick Clark is still alive, but
he’s not feeling well.
Fossil fuels are completely depleted by
2987, and cars are powered by liquid marijuana. The universal speed
limit is reduced to 10 mph shortly thereafter, which is fine,
’cause no one seems to be in a hurry anymore.
Global warming proves to be a left-wing
lie to cover up the global tanning conspiracy, which almost brings
the world to ruin after the average world temperature reaches 92
degrees and half of the Earth’s land mass becomes sandy
beach, ironically by the same year the fossil fuels run out.
Tanning is made illegal in 2988; by 4000, all is much as it was in
2005.
There’s only one kind of pie:
mincemeat.
All diseases, with the exceptions of
the neighbor’s dog, male-pattern baldness, and low-riding
pants, have been eradicated, and so people live as long as they
want to — usually to their 107th birthday, at 9 in the
evening, just after the day’s last rerun of Law & Order.
Social Security is still solvent, but
because the monetary system has yet to recover from the Larry Wars,
payouts are in photographs of fish, most often perch.
Everyone is pretty good-looking.
{y1 – x/2 <Z2}
This article appears in May 26 – Jun 1, 2005.
