By age 81, my father-in-law, Joe Rogers, had raised three stepchildren and worked for more than half a century. He had served in Korea and had lived in Venezuela. He had been hang gliding in Germany and had flown small aircraft in Wisconsin. But one thing Joe hadn’t done in all his 81 years was change a diaper. That all changed when he and his wife, Margit, became regular caregivers for their four-month-old grandson (my son), Anders. Within a few weeks Joe was changing diapers and warming bottles like a pro.
He is far from the only grandfather who finds himself changing diapers on a regular basis. Today nearly 60 percent of families with children have two working parents, and “grandparent day care” is becoming increasingly more common. The U.S. Census Bureau estimates that among American children with working mothers, 30 percent of those under five are cared for by grandparents, and 12 percent of children ages 5 to 14 spend time with grandparents before or after school.
There are several factors behind this growing trend. In an era of stagnant wages and rising child care costs, grandparent day care represents a vital source of financial assistance to many working families. Moreover, the affection and familiarity of grandparents provides an attractive alternative to “institutional” day cares. Grandparents, for their part, are living longer and embracing different views of retirement than previous generations.
There are significant benefits all around when grandparents watch grandchildren. In addition to the financial benefits to parents, there is the peace of mind that comes with knowing a child is being cared for by people who love him and the joy that comes with watching a strong bond form between the generations. Grandparents who watch their grandchildren become additional role models and contribute to a child’s sense of belonging and security. Grandparents, for their part, often say that having grandchildren around “keeps them young.” Caring for children can even have health benefits – one recent study showed that postmenopausal women who take care of their grandchildren one day a week had better memory and faster cognitive speed than those who didn’t, factors which can lessen the likelihood of someone developing Alzheimer’s Disease.
When Abby Walsh learned she was pregnant, her recently retired in-laws moved to Springfield from Cedar Rapids with the understanding that they would help care for their new grandchild. They began watching little David when he was just a few weeks old. Now two years old, David adores his grandparents. “He particularly enjoys imaginative and outdoor play with his grandparents. He loves cooking, dancing, singing and being silly with his “Babi.” He loves playing cars and trains and reading stories with his “G-pa,” said Abby.
For her part, Abby is grateful to her in-laws for watching her son. “Ben’s parents have given us a huge gift and we are so thankful that we have their support. This experience has allowed us to grow closer to his parents, and it has been a joy watching them with David. It is wonderful to share his discoveries, milestones, funny comments and more with people that adore him just as much as we do. I will never forget how helpful they have been and hope to be able to help David in the same way if he has children someday.”
Having one’s parents watch one’s child can naturally give rise to differences of opinion. Here are some tips for all parties involved to make the most of a “grandparent day care” situation:
Discuss payment: Will grandparents receive financial compensation for watching their grandchildren? If so, how much and on what payment schedule?
Set up a schedule: Clearly define how many days, which days and for how long grandparents will provide care.
Pick a place: Determine where care will be provided. If it is at the grandparents’ residence, be sure they are supplied with diapers, wipes, bottles, extra clothes, toys, car seats, and whatever else they may need. Also, be sure to do a safety sweep of the grandparents’ house to make sure it is baby- and child-proofed.
Define expectations: Have a frank discussion about parental expectations for issues such as feeding habits, discipline, crying, television time and activities. Both parents and grandparents need to understand that a generational gap may exist when it comes to opinions of how to raise children. Parents would do well to remember that their parents have decades of child-raising experience to draw on, while grandparents might need to acknowledge that some elements of parenting wisdom have evolved over the years.
Be conscious of germs: Children are notorious germ spreaders, but grandparents might not have the same resistance to infection that they used to. Consider making other arrangements for care when a child is ill.
Communicate: Check in regularly to assess how everyone – parent, child, and grandparent – is handling the situation. Be respectful and honest in conversation. Be prepared to compromise and be willing to change anything that isn’t working.
Erika Holst is the mother of the most loveable three-year-old in the world, whose best buddy is his Pop-Pop.
This article appears in Capital City Parent January 2015.
