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It has taken years of secret research, consultations
with focus groups, and trial-and-error engineering work — but, at
last, the corporate scientists have come up with the answer we’ve all
been anxiously awaiting: five sheets. That’s the amount of toilet paper that
Kimberly-Clark has determined that its new product — the
world’s first-ever hands-off automatic electronic tissue dispenser
— should dole out. Wave a hand in front of one of the device’s
motion sensors and — zzzt — out zips your five-sheet allocation. A Kimberly-Clark spokesman says that this gizmo will
help the corporation capture the $1 billion-a-year “away-from-home
toilet-paper market.” Pointing out that many public restrooms already
have automatic faucets, flushers, and towel dispensers, he notes,
“the one part of the room where there’s not an automatic option
is toilet tissue.”
Oh, great — as anyone knows who’s been to
restrooms in those places, the machinery constantly goes on the fritz, and
now they’re going to extend this same electronic
“convenience” to toilet paper. The Kimberly-Clark CEO should
have to list his cell-phone number on each machine so that we know whom to
call when it refuses to give us our five sheets. By the way, what if you want six sheets? Oh, said the
enthusiastic corporate spokesman, “People generally in life will take
what you give them.” So Kimberly-Clark is betting that America has
devolved from the rebellious spirit of the Boston Tea Party and the
Declaration of Independence to a people so compliant that we’ll
meekly accept whatever amount of toilet tissue our corporate providers
allow. Kimberly-Clark’s honchos are in for a surprise.
My guess is that this corporation is going to find quite a few of its
electronic dispensers ripped from the walls of stalls all across America.
Jim Hightower is a national radio commentator,
columnist, and author.
This article appears in Aug 9-15, 2007.
