Stocking stuffers

There's something for everyone

It's Christmas Eve, and I know what you're thinking.

Too late. Santa's departed, the post office is closed, Victoria's Secret has left the building and you're out of Amazon points. But always remember: It's the thought that counts. And so here are some gift ideas for those who matter most.

The Springfield Park District: Praise. More than ever, parks have been sanctuaries, and they've looked immaculate despite everything.

The Springfield City Council: Ambien. Long meetings were bad enough before pandemic forced folks to breathe on each other while listening to the usual.

City Water, Light and Power: A lump of coal to keep lights on.

Illinois Republicans: Someone better than Bruce Rauner in 2022 and straight faces while they watch Democrats implode.

Bureaucrats: Longer lunch breaks so they'll have something other than coronavirus to blame for stuff not getting done.

The homeless: Steel Reserve for the thirsty and a shot for those ready to move on.

White Oaks Mall: An all-you-can-eat buffet in a supersized food court for coming hordes of state employees.

Economic development efforts: $1 billion, because hundreds of thousands of dollars hasn't been enough.

Michael Madigan: A tenured professorship at the Harry Houdini College of Impossible Escapes

Gov. JB Pritzker: Thirty-six hours to a day. He'll need it during the coming legislative session.

Tim Timoney: Decorum.

Justin Fowler: A Pulitzer Prize.

The Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum: A director who'll last longer than three years and won't embarrass the place.

Adam Lopez: A solid trial date, because this has gone on long enough. Oh, wait: That's what we got him last year.

Springfield School District 186: A real first day of school.

St. John's Hospital and Memorial Medical Center: Less coronavirus.

Restaurants with multiple tickets for coronavirus-related violations: Footage of hospitalized COVID patients streamed into dining rooms.

Sangamon County Department of Public Health: Backbone to shut down repeat scofflaws and keep 'em shut down until we've all been vaccinated.

Restaurants that followed the rules: More business than they can handle when this is over.

Ward 2 Ald. Shawn "I Never Said That" Gregory: A rifle plus membership to a gun club so that he might learn to shoot straight.

Illinois cannabis industry: Owners who aren't white.

Architects of Illinois' pot legalization law: New jobs.

Mister Rogers: Reincarnation. The world, where so many have acted like children, could use his wisdom now.

Donald Trump: Happy trails.

Joe Biden: Good luck.

Contact Bruce Rushton at brushton@illinoistimes.com

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