Hello Mayor, your local crackpot gadfly reporting in.

I saw an article where police forcibly pulled a man off a bus for not wearing a mask and thought thank goodness this isn't happening here. Then Sir Langfelder the Ludicrous overshadows Sir Pritzker the Pious by calling for $500 fines for "excessive social gathering." What is the legal definition of excessive social gathering? Is that like "mopery with intent to gawk" they used for running in loiterers in Chicago when they couldn't think of anything else? Under this edict, if the large and wonderful Langfelder family gets together for a special occasion that should be good for three or four tickets.

I see where the hoops have been taken down on the basketball courts to further pressure and diminish social gatherings. Some people think there may be a racial component involved. After all in Springfield swimming pools and other public places were not desegregated until the 70s.

You have also doubled down and issued another emergency edict telling businesses how to run their affairs. Seems a little redundant to me as I have yet to be in a store that doesn't require social distancing, provide sanitizing, and the piece de resistance, prohibiting no more than two family members from entering and telling kids to stay out. Is the mother supposed to leave the baby in the car?

As for your next edict, I'll help you out. Chinese researchers have found out that of medical practitioners and others vacating a C-19 infected area, over half have corona viruses on the bottom of their shoes. They think this may account for transmissions even though stringent sterilizaton and personal protection protocols are in place but there are still unexplained outbreaks. Since you are already on the national scene with your edicts, maybe you could make the morning TV shows by edicting all Springfielders to sanitize their shoes before entering public places. Ellen Degeneres here I come.

One final tip mayor. I've also heard barber shops and beauty salon staff are quietly having people come to their homes for  haircuts.

Judge: "OK, what's this all about?"

Defendant: "Well I'm not sure your Honor. I was over at my neighbor Joe's having a beer. He's been my barber for 20 years and he said, 'You need a haircut.' He got out a sheet, laid it on the floor and put a chair on it. He had the haircut about half done when a flash bang bomb went off and the swat team kicked the door in.

"Everything was going OK until I asked a question."

Judge: "What was that?"

Defendant: "I asked if Joe could finish my haircut. They hauled me off to the pokey."

Judge, giving a long, soft sigh: "Case dismissed."

In closing: You call these emergency edicts but I really think the aldermen should be voting on them so we can see if they agree with you and everyone is on the record.

Hang in there mayor. I'm still gonna vote for ya.

William S. Klein of Springfield is a retired chimney sweep. His motto is be a contrarian. Only dead fish go with the flow.

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