See ya later, calculator

I’m in a new relationship with the sweetest, most generous girl, but I’m hesitant to let her do nice stuff for me. In my previous relationship every single nice thing my ex did was held against me later. I can hear her now: “Remember that time I brought you food at work? All the way across town?” Eventually, I’d wince anytime she did anything for me. However, my new girlfriend seems so happy to make me food or run an errand for me. Still, I feel uneasy. I keep waiting for her to turn into my ex and present me with a list of what I owe her. – Bad History

Aww, a relationship with an accounts receivable department.

Your ex’s human abacus approach – running a relationship on the “Hey, what’s in it for me?” model – doesn’t bode well for happily ever after, and not just because it makes it hard to tell your girlfriend apart from one of those aggressive strangers who call at dinnertime, threatening to repo your car.

Social psychologist Margaret S. Clark explains that partners are more loving and generous toward each other when a relationship runs on the “communal” model (which describes love or friendship) rather than the “exchange” model (the merchant-customer relationship). The main difference between these relationship types is in the motivations for giving and the expectations in the wake of it. You give to somebody you love – like by giving your honey a massage – to make her feel good; you don’t wipe the lotion off your hands and then hand her a bill for $80.

Love relationships are often not entirely 50/50, and the payback from a romantic partner often comes in different ways and at a later date, and that’s okay. In an exchange relationship, however, people give to get. There’s careful accounting and speedy invoicing. When the mechanic fixes your bum tire, immediately after doing the work, he expects equivalent compensation – in cold, hard cash (or plastic). You can’t just kiss him on the cheek, chirp, “Thanks, cookieface!” and be on your way.

Looking back at your relationship with your ex, ask yourself something: Why did she view popping over with a cooler at lunchtime – probably containing sandwiches and a Snapple – like she’d brought you her left kidney? Maybe she’s bean countery in all of her relationships. Or … maybe this reflects Clark’s finding that people in relationships switch to an “exchange norm” when they notice that their partner is all take and take.

In your current relationship, remind yourself to credit your girlfriend for who she is – which you do by observing her actions and attitude – instead of fearing who she might be. You should also make sure you’re holding up your part of the giving. But give for the right reason: to make her happy – and not because you can’t bear to hear another woman yelling, “Owe, owe, owe!” during sex.